Email jokes from my bro.

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steve_earwig
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

teamster1975 wrote:Cracking email from a mate :lol:
Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year...
It's deja vu all over again :P
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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rapport25
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by rapport25 »

:arrowu: :arrowu: :arrowu: :oops: :oops: :oops: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.








How To Shower Like a Man



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Welly »

Woo-woo sound :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by teamster1975 »

Image
1996 406 1.8LX Got a bad case of hydro lock!
1996 406 Executive 2.0 Turbo XU10J2TE No longer hangin' on in there :(
1997 Honda CB500V
2003 Volvo V40 1.8 GDi SE killed by a nutter in a beemer 5 series
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Welly
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Welly »

Q. How do you keep a Woman screaming for 3 hours after sex?








A. Wipe your knob on the curtains!
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

Not really a joke but...

Aussie Barbie Game - first out looses:
Image
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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mav
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by mav »

steve_earwig wrote:Not really a joke but...

Aussie Barbie Game - first out looses:
Image
feck me that looks like fun!!! :lol:
The answers no!


Now whats the question?
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

Unless you're too drunk to realise your arse is being boiled.

As cribbed from the HJ forums:
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Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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Doggy
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Doggy »

Image

Caption competion anyone? How about: Irish Stew
2002 HDi 2.2 Exec Estate, (2008-12) (wonderful)
2003 HDi 2.2 6-speed Exec Estate (2012-19) (also a gem)
2009 Citroen C5 2.0 HDi VTR+ Estate (godawful heap)
2008 BMW E91 330i touring (great fun - murdered by a reversing SUV)
2007 BMW E91 325i touring (slower smoother quieter)
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

"just after this picture was taken they realised it was a mistake to use a plastic bath"

"did you just fart or is this water really boiling?"

"Dammit, I dropped the soap again"

"the first meeting of the Adelaide Cannibal Society was a complete success"

Do you notice how the guy on the right looks like it's getting pretty uncomfortable, while the guy on the left looks like he'll still be sitting there drinking his beer after the water's boiled dry? Is that really ketchup on the stool next to him? Why is the other guy wearing what looks like a child's swimming costume on his head? It the woman on the right wearing a bath towel and waiting her turn??
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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teamster1975
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by teamster1975 »

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
1996 406 1.8LX Got a bad case of hydro lock!
1996 406 Executive 2.0 Turbo XU10J2TE No longer hangin' on in there :(
1997 Honda CB500V
2003 Volvo V40 1.8 GDi SE killed by a nutter in a beemer 5 series
2008 Mondeo 2.0 TDCi Titanium X

"Always look on the bright side of life, dedo, dedo dedodedo"
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steve_earwig
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

Credit crunch fun (hope you all didn't see them already).

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Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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teamster1975
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by teamster1975 »

Bloody brilliant Steve! :lol: :lol:
1996 406 1.8LX Got a bad case of hydro lock!
1996 406 Executive 2.0 Turbo XU10J2TE No longer hangin' on in there :(
1997 Honda CB500V
2003 Volvo V40 1.8 GDi SE killed by a nutter in a beemer 5 series
2008 Mondeo 2.0 TDCi Titanium X

"Always look on the bright side of life, dedo, dedo dedodedo"
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Doggy
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Doggy »

Here here! Well done Earwig :lol:
2002 HDi 2.2 Exec Estate, (2008-12) (wonderful)
2003 HDi 2.2 6-speed Exec Estate (2012-19) (also a gem)
2009 Citroen C5 2.0 HDi VTR+ Estate (godawful heap)
2008 BMW E91 330i touring (great fun - murdered by a reversing SUV)
2007 BMW E91 325i touring (slower smoother quieter)
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