Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may
vary)
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I f*cking love my new Taser
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham, delete it. It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
News flashes:
Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
..........................................
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
I said to my wife I have a problem.
She held her hand up and said stop. It is not I it is we.
Remember we are married so your problem is my problem, we share everything.
The Joy, good times, and even the sad and bad times, it is always we.
Remember a problem shared is a problem halved
So now explain what our problem is
So I said it is quite simple
we have got your sister pregnant!
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
