Email jokes from my bro.

[lozz]

[lozz]

i just bought a new dog of a blacksmith
as soon as i got him home
he made a bolt for the door

[steve_earwig]

Tee-hee

[lozz]

paddys wife comes home from work,all her
sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line, she
screams , u effin dozy b.stard, i said i wanted
a dado rail!!

[lozz]

today my mate asked me
if i knew the biological word
for a swollen vagina,

i thought thick c.nt

[lozz]

Tooo many kids:




After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough
to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and 'count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

[Doggy]

Just type that one out again, would you?

[steve_earwig]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Aldi.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.



Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Clean up on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

[teamster1975]

A man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[lozz]

A man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.





Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[lozz]

Wabbit?


A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks 'excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?'

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says 'do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?'

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, ' I don't wealy fink my Pyfon gives a phuc.'

[steve_earwig]

A good woman.

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible. No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh*t. Never mind...

(Pinched from Carpe TDM)

[lozz]

GIVE A DOG A BONE!





So....

There you are,
having a
dinner party.....


Your parents
are there,
Your in-laws
are there,

Your boss and
his wife
are there,

The local Vicar and
his wife
are there,

You're all
settling down
for a
nice relaxing
evening dinner,

Then

in

walks

the

Dog
.........
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<

[lozz]

Wedding video!

Ive just watched our wedding video in Reverse,

iLuv the part where she takes the Ring off walks down the isle back wards goes thru the door gets in the car and Phucks off

[lozz]

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that"
.
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"
Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks