Email jokes from my bro.

[lozz]

joined a nudist colony last week.....
the first few days were the hardest.
.....................................................................
just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting
the bathroom wall & singing "its a heartache,nothing but a fools game,
i thought to myself shes a bonnie tyler.
........................................................................
a little girl ran crying to her dad asking
for a glass of cider,...wot u want a glass of cider for
ive cut my hand on a thorn explains the child
so why the cider ?
well i overheard my mummy say that whenever she
gets a plonker in her hand, she feels a lot better once
its in cider..
.....................................................................................
ive just tried to buy tickets for an elvis tribute act
absolute nightmare ! it was an automated telephone
system, i had to press 1 for the money ..2 for the show..!!
............................................................................................
i was out walking my dog earlier
when an old granny shouted "you make sure
that you pick that sh*t up"...calm down luv
i replied, let me wipe my a*se first...
......................................................................................
job interviewer asks whats your name ?...its
john,fu.king,b.stard,twat,piss flaps,brady,...do you
suffer from tourettes john ? asked the interviewer
no said john but the vicar at my christening did..

[Welly]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER SENT TO A BANK IN THE UNITED STATES. THE BANK THOUGHT IT AMUSING ENOUGH TO PUBLISH IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.

Dear Sir

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs form the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed that, whereas I personally attend to telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your banks has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branchy, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system which, you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile in case I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9
9. To make a general complaint or enquiry

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of the advertising material you send to me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £5 per minute. Any debits to my account as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute so you would be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover setting up this arrangement.

Your humble client.

[Welly]

Extracts from letters from Tenants to their councils:

“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”

“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

“And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”

“I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.”

“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.”

“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.”

“The toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.”

“The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.”

“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”

“Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”

“I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”

“My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.”

“He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.

[steve_earwig]

[steve_earwig]

Just raided Carpe TDM's Comedy Central:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that". "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it" he replied.

===========================

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, saw it was a little low, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". I know" she said "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".

============================

I have two dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Fad diets... why else would I buy dog food??

***************************

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

*************************

Paddy goes to the doctors and says 'Doctor, I can't stop wanking'. Doctor says 'Well, you'll have to pack that in'.

Paddy says 'Will it make me go blind then? 'No, says the doctor, you're upsetting every fu*ker in the waiting room!'






Three soldiers, an Englishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured and face the firing squad.

The commandant says ' Do you have any last requests?'

The Welshman says 'I would like to hear the sound of a hundred Welsh tenors singing in the valleys'.

The Scotsman says ' I want to hear a thousand bagpipes and the big drum of a marching parade'.

The Englishman says 'For f*cks sake shoot me first'...

*********************

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey in London taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.



The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby priest what its purpose was.
He told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York, Durham, Carlisle, Ripon and Chester. In every cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving the north, decided to travel down to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived in St David's and again, in the cathedral, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the Dean about the sign. 'Dean, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many great churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The Dean smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son ... it's a local call.'

******************

True Reports from British life ........!!!


BRITISH NEWSPAPERS.

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented,
'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)


HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street .... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

************************************

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"

[Welly]

loving the Tube announcements.

[Welly]

75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*ck all in here

[lozz]

i was in ectasy,with a smile on my face,as my wife moved forwards then backwards....forwards then backwards...back&forth
back&forth...in and out..in and out....her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan, then she let out one almighty scream !!!!
.
.
.
.

.
.
v
.
i cant park this fecking car ! you do it u smug b.stard..

[teamster1975]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with
a "For Sale" sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is ten years
old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
Joe immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller.

"Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the
chrome. It protects it from the rain."
Then hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, Joe's girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her
parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before the enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,

"I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we
eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," says Joe. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack int he middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her.

Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table,and makes love to her right there in front of her parents..

Sandra is flustered, her dad obviously livid, and her mom horrified
when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

So Joe grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table and has his way
with her.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling but, still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers the bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket...


Suddenly, the father shouts .... "I'LL DO THE DISHES!!!"

[Welly]

I was just about to post these:

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'



Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird
who doesn't gobble anymore.



Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[teamster1975]

Excellent, they'll be doing the rounds now!

[Doggy]

Brilliant couple of posts there.

[FarmerPug]

[Welly]

A young man called Tarf is totally addicted to baked beans! Has em for brekkie lunch, and tea absolutly loves em! Unfortionately they give him chronic flatulance to the point of permament ring of fire, and high underware turnover !

Tarf meets a lovely woman who eventully agrees to marry him on the grounds that he gives up the beans. He loves her so much that despite his bean addiction he gives them up. One day on his way back from work his car breaks down, so he phones his wife to tell her he's gonna be late from work. "Ok darling" replies his wife, "but remember No Beans!!" "Oh and please dont be too long as I have a wonderfull surprise for you when you get home" Fantastic thinks Tarf I cant wait to get home. Tarf sets off walking home and passes a late opening cafe who just happen to be cooking a huge pan of baked beans. Oooh they smell soooo good thinks Tarf ! What the hell he thinks she wont know I'll pop in and have a quick bowl. And they were every bit as gorgeous as he remembers and he eats them all up in no time!

He continues on his way home and the usual flatulance occurs, Silent and deadly, Loud n proud, sonic booms, arse clappers, rat a tat tats, alternating silent into trumpets, moist but non staining, and finally the skid mark skin burners !! Tarf finally arrives home and thankfully has finished bottom burping. As soon as he walks through the door his wife puts a blind fold on him and shows him into the dining room and sits him down. Just then the phone rings and his wife goes to answer it "No peeking now!!" "I won't, I promise" says tarf. Tarf feels a trouser trumpet coming on and discreetly lifts one cheek and lets rip a fabulous ring rumbler, with an egg strength of around 10 rotten eggs!! He then lifts the other cheek and lets off a deadly paint peeler with a possible half life of ten years! Uh-oh one more he thinks and sort of half stands but in a sort of squatting position and lets rip a sneaky whistler immediately followed by an attempted follow thru to which Tarf manages to catch before its too late by standing up right and pinching his arse cheeks together in a tight vice like grip !! With that Tarf hears his wife starting to say good bye on the phone so he fumbles around the table for a napkin and waffs it around the air to try and get rid of the stench that was melting the candle wax!!

His unsuspecting wife returnes to the table to remove Tarfs blind fold, and there to Tarfs absolute horror is................................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................................ 12 DINNER GUESTS, All feeling very un well !!!!!!

[teamster1975]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.