Email jokes from my bro.

[trem1]

WARNING. RUDE, BAD LANGUAGE AND A BAD SPELLER...


A women was pregnant with triplets when she was shot 3 times.
15 years later her daughter came down stairs and said.
"mum ive just been to the toilet and a bullet came out"
So the mother told her the story.
Shortly after her other daughter.came down and said.
"mum i just went to the toilet and a.bullet came out"
She then told her the story too.

Later that day her son came down stairs and said. "mum i just...."
Mother buts in and says " let me guess. Went to toilet and a bullet came out?"
"No" her son says.
"I just had a wank and shot the dog"

[lozz]

Resetting The Password (((NSFW 18!)))
...................................

"Sorry, your password has not been in use for 30 days
and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."


1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeA ccessRightFuckingNow!


"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAc cessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

[lozz]

fail..jpg

[steve_earwig]

Oh the irony!

[lozz]

insurance.jpg

[trem1]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

[lozz]

[lozz]

So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.

.................................................................................................


A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evils in the pub.
I said, "Keep looking at me like that and you'll be spending the night in A&E."
He said, "I'd like to see you f*cking try, you little %$&?!"
So I stabbed his wife.

[steve_earwig]

Pinched off Carpe (as per...)
jdelfino, on 19 Oct 2013 - 01:03, said:

*THE WIFE FROM HELL*


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir



The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on **cruise control **at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly,
dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,

Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket.


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? **'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?


(I love this part)



"Only when he's been drinking."

[:huh:]

[steve_earwig]

This just cracked me up on b3ta - http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023460

[lozz]

[lozz]

I joined the new Tesco dating website.

They sent me a bag for life

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,
"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."


"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."


The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.


"Yes?" said the instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[lozz]

Trick or treat,

trick.jpg

[lozz]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was
relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to
attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back
to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to
his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing
and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Swedish."



.....................................................................................................................................................................

F**k me it was windy last night.



The Mrs. just sent me out for a bottle of milk and I got blown all the way into the pub.

[DaiRees]

This just appeared on my facebook feed and actually made me LOL, that doesn't happen very often. In fact I think they should replace "lol" with "sab" (smirked a bit). Anyway, I digress, like that's an unusual occurrence on this forum, I've never seen a place like it for threads that wander off topic. Sometimes they don't just wander, they migrate to a different continent, ever seen a thread with it's own passport?? Oh crap I've digressed again, sorry folks! Here it is, although after reading all that you probably haven't got the energy to read the text on the photo....