Email jokes from my bro.

[steve_earwig]

[DaiRees]

Just had these (non PC) one liners by e-mail, some made me snigger...


Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!


In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.


Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth


An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Doggy]

[GingerMagic]

There are some corkers there...

[Doggy]

Some of these made me chuckle.....

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


The dodo died. Then Dodi died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ...
....well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two,
'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.
She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening......Self-raising?"
.
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34


Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda (Walmart).

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

[lozz]

[lozz]

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.






They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol, Manchester, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the A&E in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin’ to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick kint!"











An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[DaiRees]

Bit of local humour for you... A ventriloquist visiting Wales

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He decides to have a little fun.

“Hello my friend! Good looking dog you have there. Mind if I speak to him?”

The Welshman looks up and down and says, “The dog doesn’t talk, tosser!”

The ventriloquist continues: “Hello dog, how’s it going, old friend?”

“Not bad, thanks,” replies the dog.

A look of shock passes across the Welshman’s face.

Is this Welsh guy your owner?”

“Yep,” says the dog.

“How does he treat you?”

“No complaints. He walks me twice a day and gives me decent food.”

The Welshman’s face is a picture of utter disbelief.

The ventriloquist asks him: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

“Err, the horse doesn’t talk either, as far as I know,” replies the Welshman

“Hey horse,” says the ventriloquist, “how’s it going, mate?”

“Cool,” says the horse.

At this point the Welshman falls off his porch.

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?

Horse: “Yep.”

Ventriloquist: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Not bad, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down and regularly changes the straw in my stable.”

“Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

The Welshman replies, “The sheep’s a f------g liar.”

[Doggy]

Related, do you think? http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/04 ... 59997.html

[steve_earwig]

Two nuns were sitting at traffic lights in
their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of
them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts
one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts,
"Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"

[lozz]

.....Mary's return,



Mary stood outside the small house in the little Irish town. She had left home some twenty years ago and not knowing whether her parent still lived there she tentatively knocked on the door.

A wizened old man answered the door and she said,

"Hello farder it's me Mary your long lost dotter".

The old man squinted and shouted "sweet mudder of God If it isn't me long lost dotter Mary! come in me sweetheart and tell your old dah how ya bin doin dis past twenty year!"

She sat opposite the excited old man and said, "well farder for these past twenty years oi have been a prostitute".

The old man jumped to his feet and screamed "GET OUT YEH HARLOT OIL NOT HAVE YOU UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS ME LUVLY WOIF!!!!"

Mary started to cry and said "I will farder but had hoped that you would except these keys to a £50,000 Mercedes that I bought yeh so that you could droive down the cost where there is £200,000 yacht so that you and mammy can sail to the algarve where oi have bought you a £750,000 villa so that you can live yeh loives out in comfort."

The old man's expression change and he asked "what did yer say yeh had been doin for twenty years?"

Oive been a prostitute farder" she replied.

"Tree hail mary's and sweet mudder of god" he cried I tought yeh said Protestant."

[lozz]

Engineers,
..................
*
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

*

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[lozz]

Distracted by a girl in short skirt this morning I drove into the back of another car.

To my surprise a dwarf Jumps out and says " Look at the damage you've done.....I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

I looked down at him and asked, "Which one are you then?"

And then the fight started.


My wife sat down next to me last night while I was channel hopping and asked "Whats on TV?"

"Dust" I replied..........and then the fight started.



I asked my wife where she would like to go for our anniversary and it warmed my heart to see her face soften with sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she replied.

"How about the kitchen" I said...............and then the fight started.

[steve_earwig]

From B3TA


Enjoy your cheeseburger!

[lozz]

'I went to the doctors today for some 'Viagra..

She said make sure you swallow these quick or you might end up with a 'stiff neck..