Email jokes from my bro.

[DaiRees]

I was chuckling reading them though

[lozz]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an
obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I
should...



v


do something sexy to a tractor.





.....................................................................................................................................................................................



1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. Say what you want about deaf people...

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over

[DaiRees]

[lozz]

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the
bar...you know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back I promise...OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs
in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

But my sweet honey..at the bar....you know, there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND
EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T
GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT **** IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[lozz]

Q....What do you call a camel with four humps?

A....a Saudi Quattro



........................................................................






TANJOOBERRYMUTTS
By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready to take on China or Japan
Believe me... you WILL understand..!!! Here goes...


The following is a telephone conversation between a Hotel guest & room-service in China/Japan ...


Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .......What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den..?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs.! How do I like them.? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken.? Creepse.?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes.?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo
wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes.?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter.?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin..!!! I've got it.! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter.?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad.?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this... .. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
And you do now, don't you..!!!



..............................................................................................................................................


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
So young Ali Rahman lands his flying carpet at the filling station does he use Threaded or Unthreaded ?

[Doggy]

[gumby6371]

A few things to ponder:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear crash hats?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[lozz]

I used to be in a band called The Prevention - we were much better than The Cure.

The next one was called Cellophane - we were wrappers.

Free Beer made some pretty good music, but our pub gigs were never very successful, landlords weren't keen on putting our posters up.

Finally we formed Missing Cat - you'll have seen our posters on lamp posts everywhere.



I just sold all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal ...



“Life is like a box of hollyhocks.” – Florist Gump

My friend has just told me that he wants to play leapfrog on his own. He needs to get over himself.

My grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

I’ve been revising for my practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.

I just bought a house with period features, although I have to say she HATES that as a nickname.

My dad has started dressing up as a maternity nurse. Must be having some sort of mid-wife crisis.

If you think you’re developing an addiction to aquatic vegetables, sea kelp.

“I HAVE A BREAM” – Martin Luther Kingfisher
.......................................................................................................................................................

Help! I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.

I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. OVNR.

[steve_earwig]

Cheers Loz

[lozz]

Am I made up ?- just been told that my boring old Vauxhall has been upgraded to a hot hatch.

[Doggy]

It's all a VW smokescreen

[lozz]

I went by the house where I grew up today and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so f*cking rude.

.............................................................................................................................


I was scanning my items on the self checkout in Tesco, when something unexpected appeared in the bagging area...

That's the last time I tell my wife to reverse the car up so we can load the shopping into the boot.

..............................................................................................

The wife just took "The Aldi full fridge challenge"

And the fat %$&? is still hungry.

............................................................................................

I was really disappointed the other night when One Direction cancelled their concert at the last minute.

I had my rifle ready and everything.

On the bright side, at least one of them ate the Shepherds Pie I made them

..............................................................................................


I saw a dead bird with a six pack ring around its neck today.

Unbelievable. Why would anyone buy a multi-pack of pigeons and throw one away?



......................................................................

After coming home from work early yesterday, I saw a brand new pair of men's trainers at the bottom of the stairs. I quietly crept back out of the house in total disbelief.

The wife did listen when I told her what I wanted for my birthday.

[GingerMagic]

I just bought a house with period features, although I have to say she HATES that as a nickname.

This is the one that made me laugh the most - I got all asthmatic and everything....

[Doggy]

The Audi full fridge did it for me.

[lozz]

(Dont read if easily offended!)
.
.
.
.
.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "f*ck off, you won't bring it back."
....................................................................



David Cameron will be spending £900m on bringing refugees and immigrants to England.

Still, that's £20 less than Manchester City paid.

..............................................................


Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Walkers have started a new competition where they have placed 5 crisps into their bags of air.

....................................


f*ck seems to know where everything is.





..........................


I have just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Royal Mail has, however, proven that they do.

Congratulations.

Arseholes.