life advice needed.

[TRAVIS BICKLE]

My relationship is seriously breaking down. I made the biggest mistake of my life being with this woman. We have nothing in common and argue about anything. Its my own fault for chasing her in the first place I guess. We've been living together for nealry 4 years, she has three children from previous relationships which I have grown to love.
The problem is that we are so different. I like a quiet lifestyle and family life. Whereas she was brought up in violent drunken environments and her previous relationships have all been the samem

I am the person that has turned her around according to her mother, but its just too wild and unpredictable for me to cope with. She likes to drink but can't handle it and gets very nasty and violent with it. I work 55 hours plus a week and on top of that I do housework and cooking, looking after the kids. I've left her before but she begs me to stay.

Its got to the point where I feel I'm just a meal ticket and slave. I have no social life whatsoever. I work and come home, do a bit on the çar and work some more. The dilema I have is at the moment I'm using her car for work while I finish my project. But right now I just feel like walking and leaving everything. She is spiteful enough to not let me have anything if I go. Tonight I lost it and almost lost my temper big time. I know I'm a mug for staying but am I selfish for staying till I've got my car running?

[steve_earwig]

Do not loose your temper - just walk out the door. In no circumstances should you call the police, even if you have a knife sticking out of you, you'll be wanting an ambulance for that anyway.

I have been in a mildly similar circumstance, I used to live with a woman that could be violent, this was usually directed at me but I never did anything about it because hey, I'm a bloke. Once I was talking to a mate's wife in America and I got accused of having an affair with her (I must have stuck my dick down the phone line or something) and she started attacking me, which I was used to, but then she started smashing windows. I tried to immobilise her and get her to calm down but every time I did this she'd scream that I was hurting her so I let go and the attack continued. Eventually I realised I was loosing my temper and called the police, who arrested me.The police are not programmed to see women as aggressors, they just follow the usual stereotype of men abuse women, it's never the other way round. In court they made it sound like I was the aggressor, all my attempts at restraining her became my attacks. There was no mention of broken windows or my cuts and bruises. She'd actually turned up to speak up for me but wasn't allowed into the court room (apparently this was "usual in these cases") so I got fined hugely and I have a criminal record that will be with me for the rest of my life.

Fortunately we didn't have any kids, it would have been a whole lot worse.

If the car is the only thing you have there then the decision is easy - walk away. If you own half the house then I'm afraid you will loose it. Even if you were the kid's father you would have almost no rights, as it is you have less than none. I've been through this with a friend of mine, he wasn't married to her but at least one of the kids was his, the judge just said he'd lived with this woman and had some kids with her but it gave him no more rights than some guy who walked in off the street. He tried to fight it but in the family court a women doesn't need any evidence, whatever she says is believed and he ended up paying child support for kids he was forbidden to talk to and paying a mortgage on a house he couldn't go near, eventually her solicitors forced the sale of the house to pay her legal fees (solicitors always win, people always loose and they get away with this sh*t in secret under the motto of "for the good of the children" which it very much is not.) I'm afraid you will not be able to do anything for the kids, if you try there is a chance you'll find out how easy it is to end up on the sex offender's register.

Walk away. Make sure you know someone you can stay with on short notice. f*ck the bloody car! The situation is too high a price to pay.

[omega]

what steve says is all good advice and is the right thing to do
but

there are emotions/finacal,and practical implications involed so that makes it complicated
try talking to her when shes not drunk and see if you can work things out if not you need some legal advice then if its not going to work you know where you stand.see if you can rent a garage somewhere for the car.
i dont no the anser but i do know from my life that the longer you stay in something thats not working[cause of the kids,money,scared of jumping out,etc] the harder it is to leave.

[TRAVIS BICKLE]

Thanks guys, I feel more clear headed this morning. We just go round in circles, every time we talk it through she behaves herself for a few weeks and then wrecks it all again.
I've figured if this is the person she really is then its not fair to try and make her take on my values and morals. Her whole family are all nuts. I made a big mistake getting involved with her and I've paid for it dearly. I'm definitely going to rent a garage somewhere and get out of dodge by the end of this week or next. At the moment I have kept the peace by backing down while I get stuff sorted. I want my life back.

[lozz]

Hi mate,
ive been through simalar problems with wife 0.1
she was very violent, to the point where she was arested by the police over 30times, ididnt call them neighbours did,

its horrible to live with especialy where theres children, they see/hear and pick up on the bad vibes, Makes there life hell

you have 3 choices, 1 Walk out the door,
2 put up with it,
3 try and put things right -go and see someone, there are people out there that will help.

if a woman is violent, sometimes it couid be down to there past,

iput up with it for 13years , iwaited until my kids where old enough to understand and iwalked out the door,
ive been told iwas in the wrong for doing this,

you have to choose whats best for the children mate,

[Welly]

Bloody hell

I understand the Police are at least a little more understanding of this now? my business partner was attacked by his missus during their 'divorcing period' and he involved the Police, who were very helpful, which had an effect on the Court proceedings and left him in a 'favourable' position.

If there's a history of Police call-outs, Doctors appointments, depression etc etc then this can all be an advantage to the man but it depends on 'the whole picture' and who you get to defend you wiggy sounds like he got extremely unlucky

Important thing is, whatever you do - DO NOT lash out or argue.

I think anyone would understand, given your circumstances, if you wanted to leave. If you spent another 2 or 3 years there you could end up depressed and missing out on better/easier things. You're clearly an intelligent man and should really deserve better, as the old saying goes; "you're a long time dead".........

[lozz]

[quote="Welly"]Bloody hell

I understand the Police are at least a little more understanding of this now?


They are mate,
they just do there best not to laugh!

lets face it how many men do you hear of that walk into a police station/ring poice and say ive been asaulted by the Mrs?
how many posters do you see with Men being the victims of domestic violence?
ive not seen any its all been of women,

its all lob sided, if theres Domestic viloence the man is always to blame,
as steve says you couid have a knife hanging out of you , but do not bother ringing the police,
they take the womens side straight away!

[waue1978]

We certainly do get the rough end of the stick. One of the teenage stepsons was a bit of a thug with us & during one of his kick offs he assaulted me (who just had to stand & take it as you daren't raise a hand back). When we phoned the police again a couple of months later when he started, the bloody copper was too busy asking if he was ok & if either of us had hit him!? Never bothered with them after that as it just wasn't worth the risk of it getting turned around on me & possibly losing my little boy over him.

Thankfully he's over 18 now & not living with us any more.

[TRAVIS BICKLE]

Thanks for the support guys, her biggest problem is drink. I'm not saying she's an alcoholic or anything she doesn't drink very often, but when she does all logic goes out of the window. She can't stop until she passes out almost.
She has had a very difficult childhood and recent past. The whole family follows a similar pattern. I guess I wanted to try and save her and give her a better life, sounds real cheesy but I tried to give her the fairy tale life. But I came to realise some people just don't want rescuing and are happy to live life like an episode of shameless.

We rent a house on a council estate, which is a nice house (spent enough on making it nice) but I detest the area and the people she's got in with. Like I said she has three kids and when we got together they were like wild feral kids. After 4 years of hard work they are now almost polite and just about into a routine. But my 14 year old daughter has spiralled out of control since we moved there. She lives with my ex in a nice part of town. She used to dress really well but now fits in with the chavs complete with track suit bottoms and hangs about with them when she is supposed to be seeing me.

There was more trouble in the street yesterday and police were involved (not anything to do with us) but she's decided she now wants out of there and to sort her life.
We shall see I guess.

[teamster1975]

I cannot offer any advice from life experience (thankfully!) but what the others have said really hits the nail on the head.
All the best to you mate.

[lozz]

Put your foot down mate.

have a Total drinking ban in the house,
if she then wishes to drink let her go to a mates house /pub

comes back pissed throw her a blanket out of window let her sleep it off on the lawn

thats what iwouid do anyway,

[TRAVIS BICKLE]

Lol! I've tried all that. She just rises to the challenge. She is quite happy to cut her nose off to spite her face. Everything is a game of "you do that, and I'll do something ten times as bad"
I think the word is "psychopath" she has worn me down to such a point where I stopped caring. I don't go out, I don't have any friends. Its only because I started my xsara project that I've felt alive again, its the only time I've spent money on myself too, something else she doesn't like. But if she asks for money to get her hair or nails done I always say yes. Whatever she wants she gets. Maybe its all my fault for being so soft.

[Welly]

It sounds like you've been doing a grand job in the household but it is sadly going un-noticed.

She probably drinks to that extent to almost punish herself (or you) or to otherwise blot-out something that's going on that she can't cope with.

I resisted saying earlier that your car project may be winding her up as 'something else' is receiving your attention and she is lacking some. You are entitled to have an interest of course and you are only just outside on the front if anything kicks off indoors.

I remember having a similar issue when my missus kicked off about the amount of time I spent cleaning and checking my car. I pointed out that I wasn't on the Golf Course, I wasn't down the Pub, or the Bookies and I wasn't hanging out of the back end of Dawn from accounts. She kinda saw that I wasn't really misbehaving in any way but she didn't like my 'diverted interest'

I wonder whether we'd be better pretending to be useless around the place? might be easier? we can be guilty of doing far too much for some Women but I guess they won't complain about that.

[waue1978]

I remember having a similar issue when my missus kicked off about the amount of time I spent cleaning and checking my car. I pointed out that I wasn't on the Golf Course, I wasn't down the Pub, or the Bookies and I wasn't hanging out of the back end of Dawn from accounts. She kinda saw that I wasn't really misbehaving in any way but she didn't like my 'diverted interest'

I wonder whether we'd be better pretending to be useless around the place? might be easier? we can be guilty of doing far too much for some Women but I guess they won't complain about that.

I was cleaning my car one Friday when I heard the immortal words "If you spent as long cleaning the house as you do cleaning that car...".

I then reminded her that it was the first time I'd cleaned the car in a month. Over the course of that month I had spent 2 hours every day doing the washing up, hoovering, mopping the floors & cleaning the bathroom & toilet...

[TRAVIS BICKLE]

I don't think I'll ever understand her. I just got wound up on Friday night when I got home from work after 14 hours at work to find the house a tip, the kids running wild and her at the kitchen table surrounded by booze and not even a hello, just "you'll have to go to the chippy for your tea"
23 hours I was up on Friday / sat morning.
Anyway I best stop moaning, things have settled down again now. Till next time.
Thanks for letting me let off some steam here. I do feel better, I just need the strength to get out of dodge when my cars running as at the moment I'm using the spare car which has her name on the logbook.