Email jokes from my bro.

Just your normal general chatting in here..

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steve_earwig
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Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

'cos I'm bored.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

================

Why, why, why why why...

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there especially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?


If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . .. . . . .. . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

====================

You Know thats its almost Summer time again when the Girls start showing their Navels;

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===============

Child Behaviour Resolution


Most of America's population thinks it's improper to spank children.
The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about
methods used to discipline children.

We talked about 'time outs', grounding, holding back 'rewards' until
the child displayed desired behavior, etc. One of the things we discussed
was the act of spanking, and my friend explained that no, he does not
spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for
a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the
child calms down fairly quickly and it really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation
and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on
something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change
perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better
understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand
the family's concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.



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Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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teamster1975
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by teamster1975 »

:arrowu:
Oh you just made my day with that last one Steve :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
1996 406 1.8LX Got a bad case of hydro lock!
1996 406 Executive 2.0 Turbo XU10J2TE No longer hangin' on in there :(
1997 Honda CB500V
2003 Volvo V40 1.8 GDi SE killed by a nutter in a beemer 5 series
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Welly »

Exposed midriff alert :shock: :shock:
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lawsys406t
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by lawsys406t »

quality steve quality :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

Only in Russia...
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Who needs a horse when you've got a wife!
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I wonder if there's a chair the other side...
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10km later he hit a pastry van coming the other way...
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I said you shouldn't have sold the ladder.
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Karl Marx: "Religion is the cream cake of the massive"
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Aint no substitute for tubes...
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The plans say terraces, so they'll get terraces, and f*ck the street light!
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You want a wooden roof rack!
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Sign on the inside "EXIT".
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Obviously no litter problem on Russian beaches.
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Guess what he sold to buy the stereo.
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Vodka for all the family!
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A Mr Bean fan?
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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teamster1975
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by teamster1975 »

:lol:
Image
1996 406 1.8LX Got a bad case of hydro lock!
1996 406 Executive 2.0 Turbo XU10J2TE No longer hangin' on in there :(
1997 Honda CB500V
2003 Volvo V40 1.8 GDi SE killed by a nutter in a beemer 5 series
2008 Mondeo 2.0 TDCi Titanium X

"Always look on the bright side of life, dedo, dedo dedodedo"
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

New eye test (or how to be cruel to old guys)
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Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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Welly
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Welly »

How do you get a "greasy nose" mark off these fancy monitors?
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

Never mindddddddddd thaat, half of myyy keyyyyyyyyyss seem to be sssssstuck :shock:

An oldie but goodie:

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne , Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

'Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've
been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. Its like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was 'swollen shut.'

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum. Now repeat to yourself: I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007

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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by ianst28 »

well seeing as this is the joke section i thought i'd add some


A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.


'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my Ute and
is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you !!!!!
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by ianst28 »

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard..
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you !!!!!
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by mjb »

ianst28 wrote:Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Do what? Remind me of the babe

I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry
What could I do?
... :lol:
<steve_earwig> I think this forum is more about keeping our cars going with minimal outlay than giving our cars more reason to go bang
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by steve_earwig »

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, you had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
‘I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked
‘If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by ianst28 »

[quote=Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist]16 things it took me over 50 years to learn:[/quote]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It NEVER fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you !!!!!
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.

Post by Cookies »

The following are 'squawks' in which pilots report problems to the maintenance crews, and the responses sent back to the pilots. P= pilot's report, M= Maintenance crew reply

P - Something loose in cockpit.
M - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Left-inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
M - Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.

P - Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.
M - Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
M - Cat installed.

P - Target radar hums.
M - Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P - Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]
M - Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

P - Pilot's clock inoperative.
M - Wound clock.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
M - Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
M - Pilot removed from aircraft.

P - Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M - Took hammer away from midget.

P - Suspected crack in windshield.
M - Suspect you are right.

P - IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]
M - IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

P - Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.
M - Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

P - No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]
M - Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

P - Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
M - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
M - Live bugs on back order.

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.
M - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M - Evidence removed.

P - Three roaches in cabin.
M - One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

P - DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]
M - DME volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M - That's what they are for.

Enjoy!!
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