Email jokes from my bro.

[kevtherev]

This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This apparently is a true story.


Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being j�rked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.


This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me, this explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[lozz]

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI !!

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, and bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[steve_earwig]

[lozz]

[Doggy]

Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryan Air.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and ordered a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we serve free pints every Wednesday evening from six until eight. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value” agreed Michael.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass", said the barman, "So you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro’s please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro’s. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "Since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro’s."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous; I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be two Euro’s please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough. What sort of Hotel is this? I came in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his email address; alternatively, you can contact him between nine and ten each morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, and then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second"

"I’ll never use this bar again," shouted a furious O’Leary

"OK sir,’ replied the barman,” but remember we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

[Gary406]

i just got this in an email ... pretty crap

It's just been reported that a lorry carrying Vicks Sinex has crashed on the M25. Police say that there will be no congestion in the area for at least 3 days

[lozz]

[lozz]

a woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic for surgery. as she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. after a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "i'm so sorry, cuddles has passed away."

the distressed owner wailed, "are you sure?" "yes, i am sure. the duck is dead", he replied. "how can you be so sure", she protested. "i mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. he might just be in a coma or something."

the vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. as the ducks owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

he then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. the vet then patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. the cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. the cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

the vet looked at the woman and said, "i'm sorry, but as i said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. the ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£1500!", she cried, "£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead?!" the vet shrugged, "i'm sorry. if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but what with the lab report and the cat scan..."

[lozz]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bl**dy cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little b*stards front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[steve_earwig]

A bit like when our biggest cat decided to get covered in mouse glue, I tried to get some of it off him but I gave up and cleaned up the blood pool instead (vets, sedition, petrol, more sedation, more petrol, even more sedation...)

I just had to give a dog a pill, half a big antibiotic. No bacon so I wrapped it in cheese - nom nom nom ptui! Try again: hold head up, stuff to back of throat, follow with more cheese - nom nom nom ptui!. Try same again - crunch, crunch crunch ptui! Dive in to pick up the bits before Scooter snaffles them (greedy little bugger eats anything ). Last try, shove to back of throat, hold head up until swallowing felt, follow with meat stick - success!

[lozz]

Igrind the dogs tablets up and stick them in with his lamb mince,
i gave up rubbing his throat , Takes too long, and itl sit and sulk for the rest of the day,

[highlander]

Igrind the dogs tablets up and stick them in with his lamb mince,
i gave up rubbing his throat , Takes too long, and itl sit and sulk for the rest of the day,

The same can't be said for cats. They become suspicious of their food if they think you've added something they don't want to it, and even if it's their favourite food they won't touch it.

Cats have also been known to plot revenge for force-feeding them pills

[lozz]

Yeah there clever,

but this one isnt,

wtf cat.JPG

[steve_earwig]

Call yourself a dog? I reckon 2 of our cats would try to eat it...

[steve_earwig]

I was just looking through my pc for a pic but I seem to have deleted it. Not to worry, it's everywhere



While I was looking for it... I guess I may as well delete these too: