Sat-nav Poem

[trem1]

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five".

It tells me when to stop and start and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front and all those to the rear
And taking this into account it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,
washes all my shirts and things and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while - I could turn the damned thing off.

[steve_earwig]

Nice I have one of those too...

[scotty73]

Nice I have one of those too...

Sounds like a wife to me.

[steve_earwig]

Well indeed - "blah blah blah do we have to drive so fast blah blah watch out for that cat/tree/kid/car half a mile away blah...."

It's the sudden intakes of breath that get me, usually while I'm trying to get past something tricky, busy junction, whatever "oh my god whathaveImissedamIgoingtocrash!!" "what's wrong dear?" "Nothing."

Or when someone pulls out on me (a common occurrence here) and I get shouted at for driving too close.

Or pulling into a busy road and being warned about a car that I've already dismissed because it's about a mile off, so I have a moment of panic because I think it's one I haven't seen.

She also has the mid-European irrational fear of draughts, so I have to shut all the windows and waste fuel by firing up the air con.

Still, sometimes I get my own back, e.g. there's a busy junction near her sister's in Zagreb where there's a feeder to turn left across the traffic but it's hidden to one side of the junction, whereas the main lights are massive things on pylons. Wait in the line, the lights turn green, creep forward, lights go red, feeder light goes green and we're off! She's almost gone into hysterics a few times now I'll have to find another one when she realises...