Email jokes from my bro.

[steve_earwig]

Hilarious

Umm, it's not real is it?

[Nightshade]

The email it arrived in claims it is, but then how many emails do we get that turn up claiming to be real? It's probably an elaboration. Still, I creased up reading it - particularly at December 3rd.
The sender wasn't my bro though, so I hope it still counts

[lozz]

[Doggy]

Class!

[lozz]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.



Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." [ouch]

[lozz]

no one posting any jokes anymore ?



heres some more, not very good ones but here goes:

...................................................................................................................................................................................




For years I thought my wife had tourettes.





But it turns out she really does think I'm a c**t.

........................................................................................................................................................................................


fairy liquid,


fairy liquids new adverts have been updated to keep in tune with modern britain MUMMY WHY ARE YOUR HANDS SO SOFT BECAUSE IME ONLy 13 NOW SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR POT NOODLE.

[lozz]

Two Irishmen on their first holiday to florida are camping in the everglades and they see an alligator with a guys head and arms sticking out of its mouth.

Paddy turns to Mick and says :"jaysis mick , would ye look at that flash c.*nt in the lacoste sleeping bag".




Paddy and murphy were walking home from the pub
They pass the bus station,

Murphy says "Paddy you used to drive a bus did'nt you"
Paddy says "yes why"

Murphy say's "go in there and nick a bus and we can drive home"
Paddy goes in.

20 mins later Murphy shouts "Paddy what the feck you doing"
Paddy shouts "I can't find the number 7"

Murphy say's "you thick tw@t,take the number 9 and we will walk from the roundabout"

[steve_earwig]

Keep 'em coming Lozz, they are appreciated

[steve_earwig]

The wife left a note on the fridge..

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"


I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

F**k knows what she was on about.....

[lozz]

[lozz]

Exotic pet,

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

..........................................................................................................................................................................................




A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few

Seconds it became apparent that she was in real


Distress, and two locals, Paddy and Murphy sitting at the next table
Turned to look at her. Kin ya swaller? Asked Paddy.

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. Kin ya
Breathe?' asked Murphy. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Paddy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her
Dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the

Crack of her backside. This shocked the woman into such a violent
Spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to
Breathe again.

Paddy swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Murphy said in admiration 'Ya know Paddy, I'd heard of that

Bloody Hind-Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
Somebody do it.

..........................................................................................................................................................................................

[lozz]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there,

the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[steve_earwig]

nice

[lozz]

Right..er.
this ones definetly not work safe, so be warned.



































Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the two decide to go the doctor to find out why.
After a number of tests and questions, the doc suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm, and so his friend suggests a swap. 'Il sh$g her and you waft the towel'.
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says... 'and that my old son is how you waft a fxxxxn towel'

[lozz]

BRITISH RAIL ARE LYING BA*TARDS!!
they said if you stand to close to the edge of the platform you'll get sucked off.
eight hours!
eight fxxxxxg hours Ive wasted today.