Email jokes from my bro.
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I SAW SIX MEN KICKING AND PUNCHING THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. MY NEIGHBOUR SAID ARE YOU GOING TO HELP? I SAID NO SIX SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
Last edited by lozz on Sat Oct 13, 2012 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
25 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Naaa. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whistle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like".
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking afag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are caked. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently.Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST-SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad ?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, "I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t".
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A W****R - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Naaa. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whistle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like".
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking afag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are caked. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently.Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST-SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad ?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, "I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t".
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A W****R - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of
Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and
drinks the drinks slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking
him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of
Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and
drinks the drinks slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking
him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
-
steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
- Location: Jastrebarsko, Croatia http://www.jastrebarsko.hr/lokacija/
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Now I have this rattling about in my head - from Are You Drinking With Me Jesus?
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.Should we take a cab home Jesus?
Man, we can hoof it from here
I know you can walk on water
But can you walk on this much beer?
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
I'll just slip this in here http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews ... geNumber=2
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but blood was requested in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out :
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again .
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money...
But you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said,
"Sorry, I can´t let you in without a Thai"
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I said to the wife "put your jacket on "
She said "oh are we going out?"
I said " no, but i am , and ive turned the heating off"
Bought the wife a bag and belt set for her birthday.
She doesn't like them, but the hoover has never worked so well.
I have a little satnav
It sits in my car
A satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the f****** thing off!!.
HAVE SEEN SOME OF THESE BEFORE BUT THOUGHT THE REST WORTH PASSING ON
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local shop ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbor Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some Luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
She said "oh are we going out?"
I said " no, but i am , and ive turned the heating off"
Bought the wife a bag and belt set for her birthday.
She doesn't like them, but the hoover has never worked so well.
I have a little satnav
It sits in my car
A satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the f****** thing off!!.
HAVE SEEN SOME OF THESE BEFORE BUT THOUGHT THE REST WORTH PASSING ON
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local shop ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbor Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some Luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
-
Doggy
- Mod with a 2.2 HDi, De-Fapped!
- Posts: 10710
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:49 pm
- Location: Northants
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Some good 'uns there lozz2002 HDi 2.2 Exec Estate, (2008-12) (wonderful)
2003 HDi 2.2 6-speed Exec Estate (2012-19) (also a gem)
2009 Citroen C5 2.0 HDi VTR+ Estate (godawful heap)
2008 BMW E91 330i touring (great fun - murdered by a reversing SUV)
2007 BMW E91 325i touring (slower smoother quieter)
2003 HDi 2.2 6-speed Exec Estate (2012-19) (also a gem)
2009 Citroen C5 2.0 HDi VTR+ Estate (godawful heap)
2008 BMW E91 330i touring (great fun - murdered by a reversing SUV)
2007 BMW E91 325i touring (slower smoother quieter)
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife-she was delighted.
I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her-she was ecstatic.
I spent £2000 on liposuction for her-she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself and she goes f***ing mental.
WOMEN!!!
I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her-she was ecstatic.
I spent £2000 on liposuction for her-she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself and she goes f***ing mental.
WOMEN!!!
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
oh heres another en,.
no one got any jokes
............................................................
I went into the library today and screamed, "Have you got any f*cking books?"
"Yes," she replied. "Kama Sutra, aisle three, top shelf."
no one got any jokes
............................................................
I went into the library today and screamed, "Have you got any f*cking books?"
"Yes," she replied. "Kama Sutra, aisle three, top shelf."
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you but, if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
Does anyone else think it's worth the extra effort?
Does anyone else think it's worth the extra effort?
-
steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
- Location: Jastrebarsko, Croatia http://www.jastrebarsko.hr/lokacija/
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Ever heard of a rodeo? That's where your shagging your wife and you tell her you've been shagging her sister...
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two
very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents,
so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two
very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents,
so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
....................................................................................................................................
These are abeit furked up realy :but there better than nowt aspose ,
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night.
She was dirty and didn't smell too good but underneath the grime I could see she was pretty and had a fantastic body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath.
As I was towelling off her naked body I became aroused and one thing led to another.
Before I knew it I was making passionate love to her.
I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was still alive...
-------------------
------------------
Lady in labour, shouting the usual stuff:
"Get this out of me....." "give me f**king drugs". She then turns to her
boyfriend and says "you did this to me you b*stard!"
He replies casually "if you remember correctly, I wanted to stick it up
your arse but you said "f**k OFF, it'll be to painful!"
Not laughing now are we......
-----------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you are a tit. Someone has stolen our tent."
------------------------
A little boy comes home from school with homework.
"Dad, ive been asked to find out the meaning of "realistically" and "potentially".
Ah he says, thats simple.
"What to do is go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the postman for £1,000,000"
Okay Dad, so the little boy goes away and asks his sister if she would sleep with the postman for £1m.
Dad, dad! She said she would!
"Right he says, now go and ask your mother the same thing"
So the little boy runs away and asks his mum the same thing.
"Dad, dad! She said she would!"
"Just as i thought, well potentially we are sitting on £2,000,000, but realistically we are living with a pair of sla'gs..."
------------------------
Paddy goes to his doctors complaining of a bad back...
The doctor asks him what he has been doing lately that may have caused it.
"I have been having sex doggy style" says Paddy.
the doctors asks "why don't you try it the regular way??"
He replies...
"I have but he just keeps licking my face"
-------------------------
I had my first cage fight last night!
Poor budgie was f**ked after
-----------------------
Teacher says to the class; "Im going to say famous sayings and i want you to tell me who said them and you can get away early for the week end"
"We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them on the shores..."
A little girl pipes up "Oh miss that was Winston Churchill!"
A little boy pipes up "f**king Sl'ut"
"Who said that?!!" furiously screams the teacher
"John Terry miss! See you Monday!!!!"
These are abeit furked up realy :but there better than nowt aspose ,
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night.
She was dirty and didn't smell too good but underneath the grime I could see she was pretty and had a fantastic body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath.
As I was towelling off her naked body I became aroused and one thing led to another.
Before I knew it I was making passionate love to her.
I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was still alive...
-------------------
------------------
Lady in labour, shouting the usual stuff:
"Get this out of me....." "give me f**king drugs". She then turns to her
boyfriend and says "you did this to me you b*stard!"
He replies casually "if you remember correctly, I wanted to stick it up
your arse but you said "f**k OFF, it'll be to painful!"
Not laughing now are we......
-----------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you are a tit. Someone has stolen our tent."
------------------------
A little boy comes home from school with homework.
"Dad, ive been asked to find out the meaning of "realistically" and "potentially".
Ah he says, thats simple.
"What to do is go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the postman for £1,000,000"
Okay Dad, so the little boy goes away and asks his sister if she would sleep with the postman for £1m.
Dad, dad! She said she would!
"Right he says, now go and ask your mother the same thing"
So the little boy runs away and asks his mum the same thing.
"Dad, dad! She said she would!"
"Just as i thought, well potentially we are sitting on £2,000,000, but realistically we are living with a pair of sla'gs..."
------------------------
Paddy goes to his doctors complaining of a bad back...
The doctor asks him what he has been doing lately that may have caused it.
"I have been having sex doggy style" says Paddy.
the doctors asks "why don't you try it the regular way??"
He replies...
"I have but he just keeps licking my face"
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I had my first cage fight last night!
Poor budgie was f**ked after
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Teacher says to the class; "Im going to say famous sayings and i want you to tell me who said them and you can get away early for the week end"
"We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them on the shores..."
A little girl pipes up "Oh miss that was Winston Churchill!"
A little boy pipes up "f**king Sl'ut"
"Who said that?!!" furiously screams the teacher
"John Terry miss! See you Monday!!!!"
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steve_earwig
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Nobody sends me any jokes by email any moreRob Newman (speaking about Churchill) wrote:"We will fight them on the beaches" The only time he ever fought on a beach was getting out of a f**king deckchair.
Probably because I never sent any the other way...Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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