I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night..... He hypnotized 7 guys on stage, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F**k me!!"
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life ,
..............................................................................................................................................................................
bumped into Rolf Harris whilst out shopping earlier. I said "I saw you do 2 little boys in the 70's".
He said "F**k off, that was Jimmy Saville"
...................................................................................................................................................................................
My doctor told me to avoid saturated fat ................
......... so I have stopped shagging the mrs in the shower !
....................................................................................................................................................................................
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
Email jokes from my bro.
Moderator: Moderators
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
These arnt too good but there better than nowt aspose, 
..My Neighbour,
i got a phone call at work yesterday it was Eric my neighbor.
he said i don't know how to tell you this,
its your wife shes hung herself on your washing line.
through my tears i said
do me a favour mate if it rains will you bring her in for me,
..................................................................................................
Flu,
Miss Beatrice,The church organist,Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the minister
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top
of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated..
of all things,a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones,they began to chat.
The minister tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if
you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.The directions said To place it on the
organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
......................................................................................................................................
Lips,
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
..My Neighbour,
i got a phone call at work yesterday it was Eric my neighbor.
he said i don't know how to tell you this,
its your wife shes hung herself on your washing line.
through my tears i said
do me a favour mate if it rains will you bring her in for me,
..................................................................................................
Flu,
Miss Beatrice,The church organist,Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the minister
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top
of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated..
of all things,a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones,they began to chat.
The minister tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if
you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.The directions said To place it on the
organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
......................................................................................................................................
Lips,
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
-
Welly
- The moderator formally known as Welton
- Posts: 15033
- Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:52 pm
- Location: East Midlandfordshire
Re: The Company Christmas Party
Company memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols Feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
-----------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
----------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
---------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men - each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
-----------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols Feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
-----------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
----------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
---------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men - each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
-----------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
Cars in my care:
2021 Kia Spottage 1.6 Pez Turbo Dual Clutch Gearbox Trickery
2013 Renner Twingo - donkey work
2021 Kia Spottage 1.6 Pez Turbo Dual Clutch Gearbox Trickery
2013 Renner Twingo - donkey work
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
a driving instructor says to a Welshman during a lesson, can you make a u-turn?
Better than that he replies i can make it's eyes water if i go in dry.
Better than that he replies i can make it's eyes water if i go in dry.
2000 W 2.0hdi 110 7 seat estate Blue.
And this glue is for my submarine not for putting up you're f*c*ing noses, and dont think i dont notice cos i do... Buy your own f*c*ing glue!!! Fatty Lewis Twin town 1997.
And this glue is for my submarine not for putting up you're f*c*ing noses, and dont think i dont notice cos i do... Buy your own f*c*ing glue!!! Fatty Lewis Twin town 1997.
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
3 men had died and wanted to enter heaven just before xmas. to get into heaven st. peter said you must have something on you that represents xmas....the englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle, st. peter says you can enter....the welshman jingles his car keys and says they are sleigh bells..st.peter says you can enter....the last fellow was irish and he pulls out of his pocket a G string and a Bra..st. peter says how the hell can those represent xmas? the reply was theyre CAROLS.
...........................................................................................................................................................................................
my wife called me earlier as i was sat in the pub...
Ive cooked dinner she screamed
and if your not home in 20 minutes
I'm going to feed it to the dog
WHOOOOOAAA that's bang out of order i said
its not his fault!!!!!
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
mrs said to me, can you explain to mewhy i found a pair of womans panties in your inside pocket ? yes i said its because your a nosey c.nt.
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
i accidently swallowed some scrabble squares earlier today, going for a sh*t later could spell trouble.
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
my missus came home drunk yesterday as she was undressing she stumbled, fell over & passed out, knickers round ankles & f.nny on show, i thought no way am i gonna miss an opportunity like this ! so i went out with the lads.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
...........................................................................................................................................................................................
my wife called me earlier as i was sat in the pub...
Ive cooked dinner she screamed
and if your not home in 20 minutes
I'm going to feed it to the dog
WHOOOOOAAA that's bang out of order i said
its not his fault!!!!!
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
mrs said to me, can you explain to mewhy i found a pair of womans panties in your inside pocket ? yes i said its because your a nosey c.nt.
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
i accidently swallowed some scrabble squares earlier today, going for a sh*t later could spell trouble.
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
my missus came home drunk yesterday as she was undressing she stumbled, fell over & passed out, knickers round ankles & f.nny on show, i thought no way am i gonna miss an opportunity like this ! so i went out with the lads.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
-
DaiRees
- Site Admin
- Posts: 5377
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:24 am
- Location: Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales (God's Country!)
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
haha, love the Scrabble one, nicked it! 
Playtime_Fontayne wrote:"Dai Rees Supplier of Fine Automobilia. Established 2007"
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
not very good ones, but here goes,
...................................................................................................................................................................................
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years riots.
Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon!
..................................................................................................................................................................................
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight.”
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call - the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his arse again!"
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
She locked eyes with me knowing what was about to happen. She inched her way closer and closer, trying to get my full attention. With great desire she licked her lips. With anticipation building, i knew she couldn't wait for me to get it out.
We both knew it would be over in minutes though, as i unwrapped her Pedigree Chum Dental Chew.
......................................................................................................................................................................................
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER,
Fasting is good for your health and may The Good Lord cleanse your dirty mind.
........................................................................................................................................................................................
Woke up the other morning at 8AM with a banging hangover,listening to the neighbour mowing his poxy lawn.
My first reaction was to get up and throttle the twat,but then I thought f*ck it,he'll just have to mow round me.
..............................................................................................................................................................................
Went to the doctors today about my premature ejaculation issue.
Doctor says,"Bet the wifes not best pleased with you,then"
I replied,"Well ,it has been getting on her tits"
...............................................................................................................................................................................
I was driving down the motorway the other day when some prat flew past me on a mobile phone.
God technology is just getting stupid now.
................................................................................................................................................................................
...................................................................................................................................................................................
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years riots.
Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon!
..................................................................................................................................................................................
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight.”
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call - the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his arse again!"
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
She locked eyes with me knowing what was about to happen. She inched her way closer and closer, trying to get my full attention. With great desire she licked her lips. With anticipation building, i knew she couldn't wait for me to get it out.
We both knew it would be over in minutes though, as i unwrapped her Pedigree Chum Dental Chew.
......................................................................................................................................................................................
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER,
Fasting is good for your health and may The Good Lord cleanse your dirty mind.
........................................................................................................................................................................................
Woke up the other morning at 8AM with a banging hangover,listening to the neighbour mowing his poxy lawn.
My first reaction was to get up and throttle the twat,but then I thought f*ck it,he'll just have to mow round me.
..............................................................................................................................................................................
Went to the doctors today about my premature ejaculation issue.
Doctor says,"Bet the wifes not best pleased with you,then"
I replied,"Well ,it has been getting on her tits"
...............................................................................................................................................................................
I was driving down the motorway the other day when some prat flew past me on a mobile phone.
God technology is just getting stupid now.
................................................................................................................................................................................
-
FarmerPug
- 2.0 HDI 110
- Posts: 9656
- Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 5:42 pm
- Location: The Countryside, Northern Ireland
- Contact:
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Some anti jokes:
There was a man from dundee
whos limericks always end on line three
I dont know why
Q: why was six afraid of seven
A: It isnt, numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear
Q: why was the boy sad
A: someone stapled a frog to his face
A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink
"long day" says the barman
"no all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the barman is
Three blind mice walk into a bar, they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitive
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree
because it was dead
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked god for a bicycle
But i know god doesnt work that way
So i stole a bike and asked for forgivness instead
There was a man from dundee
whos limericks always end on line three
I dont know why
Q: why was six afraid of seven
A: It isnt, numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear
Q: why was the boy sad
A: someone stapled a frog to his face
A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink
"long day" says the barman
"no all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the barman is
Three blind mice walk into a bar, they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitive
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree
because it was dead
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked god for a bicycle
But i know god doesnt work that way
So i stole a bike and asked for forgivness instead
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
.....Next doors dog..........................................
I'm lying in bed with the wife when at 2 in the morning, i get woken up by the next door neighbors dog running around their garden barking the feckin street down. Feck this i says too the wife i'll sort this out. When i got back to bed the wife says what did you do ? Oh i said ive just stuck it in
our garden we will see how they feckin like it the c-unts!.
.......................................................................................................................................................
At work today,my plumber mate came running up to me with a tape measure in his hand, and said Will u measure my height ! So i measured his height, what height am i he said ? 5 foot 10 inches i told him, Thank feck for that he said, i've just heard six fitters are getting paid off!!...
The Mrs,
the missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like, the first morning she was swore at,punched on the nose,kicked up the a*se , fxxk knows whats going to happen when she leaves the house.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Furrr coat,
bought the wife a fur coat for her birthday made from 2000 hamsters skins, took her to the funfair but couldnt get her off the big wheel for three days,
Paddy's wife had triplets,Paddy is looking for the 2 other men
Paddy wins 3 million on the Lottery.Camelot say to Paddy we will give you a million just now,a million next week & a million the following week.Paddy says if your going to f*ck me about give me my pound back.
2 cows in a field.1 cow says to the other "I'm not going to be here next week".The other cow says "How come?" & the cow says "I've got a wee calf
Paddy is on a quiz show & the host asks him to fill in the missing word."Old McDonald had a ?" Paddy thinks for abit & says "Farm".The quizmaster says "Ok Paddy for £1000 spell farm".Paddy says "That's easy E I E I O"
I was christened using a flamethrower instead of holy water. I tell you, that was a baptism of fire.
I went into the butchers. He said to me "I bet you £100 you can't reach those pieces of meat on that top shelf." I said "I can't make a bet like that. The steaks are too high."
My friend gave me a chess board and I ate all of it, chess pieces included. I said to him, "I didn't enjoy that. It was stale mate."
Q. What English actress used to be able to unfreeze groups of frozen cows?
A. Thora Hird
-
steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
- Location: Jastrebarsko, Croatia http://www.jastrebarsko.hr/lokacija/
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
An harassed housewife who wanted more money so her husband suggested that she went down to the local docks to sell herself.
The lady stormed out of the house in a huff and didn't return until past midnight; at which time she threw £40.50p on to the table and said triumphantly "There you are. I did what you said".The husband was shocked but, being pragmatic, asked "who gave you the 50p?" to which she replied "They all did!"
The lady stormed out of the house in a huff and didn't return until past midnight; at which time she threw £40.50p on to the table and said triumphantly "There you are. I did what you said".The husband was shocked but, being pragmatic, asked "who gave you the 50p?" to which she replied "They all did!"
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I treated the wife to one of those 'Fish Pedicures' today for our anniversary and I must say I was very pleased with the result.
Those Piranhas don't fxxx about....
Those Piranhas don't fxxx about....
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
heres another quickie.. Blonde girl takes her car to the garage to be repaired, the mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes, "nothin serious love, just sh*t in the air filter" he says, "ooh! and how often do i have to do that!" she replies..
2000 W 2.0hdi 110 7 seat estate Blue.
And this glue is for my submarine not for putting up you're f*c*ing noses, and dont think i dont notice cos i do... Buy your own f*c*ing glue!!! Fatty Lewis Twin town 1997.
And this glue is for my submarine not for putting up you're f*c*ing noses, and dont think i dont notice cos i do... Buy your own f*c*ing glue!!! Fatty Lewis Twin town 1997.
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
ust a handfull!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.
Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their new born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.
Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their new born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
2004 Iron Grey 407se 136bhp......Written Off
2006 Moonstone blue 407 se 136 bhp.....Written off
2006 silver 407 SW..........replacement
-
Doggy
- Mod with a 2.2 HDi, De-Fapped!
- Posts: 10710
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:49 pm
- Location: Northants
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Excellent stuff.
2002 HDi 2.2 Exec Estate, (2008-12) (wonderful)
2003 HDi 2.2 6-speed Exec Estate (2012-19) (also a gem)
2009 Citroen C5 2.0 HDi VTR+ Estate (godawful heap)
2008 BMW E91 330i touring (great fun - murdered by a reversing SUV)
2007 BMW E91 325i touring (slower smoother quieter)
2003 HDi 2.2 6-speed Exec Estate (2012-19) (also a gem)
2009 Citroen C5 2.0 HDi VTR+ Estate (godawful heap)
2008 BMW E91 330i touring (great fun - murdered by a reversing SUV)
2007 BMW E91 325i touring (slower smoother quieter)