Email jokes from my bro.

[lozz]

[trem1]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Jaguar showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£37,000." ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[trem1]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up RUGBY CLUB in the phone book.

[trem1]

An elderly man comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: £5.00
HAMBURGER: £10.00
CHEESEBURGER: £15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £18.50
HAND JOB: £250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old guy walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old man.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old guy leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes, sir, I sure am.”

The old guy leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
“Well, then, be sure to wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger.”

[lozz]

These are (18!) !!!

























What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time.
Not 1 inch 7 times.'

The vagina is the world's best rehabilatation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattoed on his dick.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'
The Lady Teacher Asks The Students What Kind Of Medicines They Know And What They Are Used For.
The First Student Said: “Tylenol.”
Teacher: “Very Good! And What Is It Used For?”
First Student: “It Is Used For Headache.”
The Second Student Said: “Nytol”
Teacher: “Excellent, And What It Is Used For?”
Student: “To Help You Sleep.”
Now It Is Little Johnny’s Turn And He Said: “Viagra”.
Teacher Shocked But Asked: “What Is It Used For?”
Johnny: “I Think It Can Be Used For Diarrhea.”
Teacher: “Whattt, Who Told You This?”
Johnny: “Nobody, But Every Night My Mother Tells My Father, Take A Viagra, Maybe That Little sh*t Will Get Harder.“

[trem1]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car fooling around?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,

"I would have gotten out today!!!!!!!!!!

[Welly]

[lozz]

i asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas this morning
she said three clues if you need them idiot!!
it vibrates
it begins with a D
and its a girls best friend


right i said dishwasher it is then!!





IT HAS BEEN REPORTED AN AFRICAN BOXER HAS RETURNED TO THE BOXING RING AFTER HAVING BOTH HIS LEGS AMPUTATED DUE TO AN HORRIFIC ACCIDENT...SO FAR HE HAS HAD 12 FIGHTS WITHOUT DEFEET.

POLICE RAIDED KERMITS LILY PAD LAST NIGHT @ FOUND HUNDREDS OF NAKED PICTURES OF MISS PIGGY....THE POLICE SAID IT WAS THE WORST CASE OF FROGS PORN THEY D SEEN.



A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus. "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says. "Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids.""Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children.""Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man. "Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it.""Dunno 'bout that, " the man said. "Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful.""Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers. Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up. Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?""47, " came the reply. "What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

[lozz]

Warning! Festive Health & Safety

Anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required, addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks and any lone working undertaken by more traditional shepherds in remote locations.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to mitigate the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that equal opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even Royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly. !

[steve_earwig]

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[scotty73]

[lozz]

[Welly]

Reminds me, back in the mid 80's a couple of the pipe fitters at work took an Ambulance (which had been left running at a call-out) after a heavy drinking session and got home without any problems honestly. Left the thing on the drive outside one of their houses

There was something about the circumstances surrounding the 'theft' which prevented them from being prosecuted.

[scotty73]

Thought for the day.....
If you were to choose between your wife and winning the lottery, what car would you buy?

[lozz]

iwouidnt be buying any car if iwon the lottery,
feck that

id be too busy on a tropical island somewhere warm, with plenty of bang tidy women serving me my drinks etc