Email jokes from my bro.

[Doggy]

Thought for the day.....
If you were to choose between your wife and winning the lottery, what car would you buy?

That's a tough one - I haven't paid any attention to new cars for so long, I'm completely out of touch.
Guess I'd find out PDQ

[steve_earwig]

Me neither Probably nothing made in the last 40 years anyway. And something just to do the shopping runs etc., maybe a Chieftain tank.

[steve_earwig]

[lozz]

[lozz]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo..
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"






The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

[lozz]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******.”


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My wife crashed the car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own conservatory.


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[Welly]

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile,
reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[lozz]

[lozz]

The wife is p****d off with me again, last night while she was asleep I swapped her Tampax for a party popper, honestly, no sense of humour whatsoever.



My wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it.
Funnily enough, I have a similar system!


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Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.


..................................................................................................................................................................................



I walked into my Mums bedroom,and noticed a half open suitcase poking out from under the bed...curiosity got the better of me so i had a look.
Inside was a full face leather mask,a leather cape,leather shorts and a massive whip.I couldnt f*cking believe it......my Mum...a Super Hero!!!!!!

[lozz]

a bloke sees an advert in his local petshop ,talking centipede 500 so he buys it and takes it home in a small box.after about 30 mins he opens the box and says would you like to go for a pint.the centipede doesnt answer.raising his voice he repeats the question.still no reply.getting angry,thinking hes been done he shouts the question loudly.at which the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says i heard you the 1st time,im putting my fxxxxxg shoes on ..

[lozz]

i just went into a shop and 2 kids outside asked me if i could get 10 richmond ,,yes i said no problem.i took the money and went into the shop when i came out i gave them the bag of sausages they looked at me funny and said whats this you thick %$&? .i said its a pack of richmonds and your the thick %$&? as they come in packs of 8 not 10..

[steve_earwig]

As inched off Carpe TDM (where it was pinched off ASOF...)

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play
the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the
caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball towards his voice."



"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of
the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night......any night!"

[lozz]

goverment plans:


the government has passed a new bill in parliment,now ghay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money,its called knobseekers allowence,just letting you know so you can backdate your claim ..


just got that in one of my emails,

[lozz]

i said to my wife ive managed to get our holiday for half the price we payed last year she said you wonderful man how did you manage that.i told her it was quite easy im going on my own .




new scotland manager gorden strachen
said today he was already makeing plans for the 2014 world cup

hes been out and bought himself a new 3D telly.

[lozz]

AS they lay frozen side by side in the lasagne,shergar turned to black beauty and said....bloody great hiding place this
but i always knew they would FINDUS..