Email jokes from my bro.

[steve_earwig]

Shamelessly pinched from CarpeTDM:

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!


No2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .


No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport


No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.
I was crossing with an friend of mine who asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it tells blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)


No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been accidentally locked inside it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

Not only do they walk among us, they breed…….

[Sonia406]

Shamelessly pinched from CarpeTDM:

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!


No2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .


No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport


No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.
I was crossing with an friend of mine who asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it tells blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)


No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been accidentally locked inside it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

Not only do they walk among us, they breed…….

I read that a couple months ago on FB, never laughed so hard, especially is number 7!

[Sonia406]

Sam, was this you?

[lozz]

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Get a new car for your missus - it'll be a great trade!

[lozz]

Has no one got any jokes then.



Ah well.


I stole this off another forum. N.s.f.w BTW.
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After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my a*se. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, a*se in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my a*se while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect . .

[steve_earwig]

I think that review is actually on Amazon Still a great read though

Hey, have the smilies been on a diet?

http://www.irishbikerforum.com/forums/i ... 0036-carl/

Bit of an oldy:
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy monkey just did?" "No, what?" asked the man. "Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.


You shall not pass http://youtu.be/LnLS3soHnMI

(all pinched shamelessly off of Carpe)

[lozz]

[waue1978]

Perhaps not jokes as such, but been having great fun leaving these outside my friend's place since his wife said that the advert where they get shot was cruel:

[lozz]

[lozz]

Warning..

be careful what you buy on ebay
check out the seller carefully I just spent £95 plus postage on a penis enlarger
bxxxxxd sent a magnifying glass.
the only instructions said
do not use in sunlight.



My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

He said, Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly run away...

[trem1]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple..

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[steve_earwig]

You shall not pass http://youtu.be/LrozutSrdzw

And there's more
I5sbpVerIvI

[Welly]

Ha ha!

That thing can run fast eh?

[trem1]

Royal Ordnance Corps

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.

"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies.

Private!!!, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private.

Corporal!!

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"

The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.

Sergeant!!!!, how about you?"

"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."

The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"

"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

[lozz]

Re. That sheep thing lol.
Couidnt he of a found a propper lump of wood to hit it with.
A twig ain't gonna scare one of them critters.
Iwouid of thrown the bike at the fecking thing.