Email jokes from my bro.

[trem1]

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a cricket ball.

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

[trem1]

I was burgled last night

the thief took all my milk, my cheese and my yoghurts............


how dairy!

[trem1]

The Italian virgin

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very
nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs.. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'


Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

[lozz]

Went to a party the other night. Got drunk. Woke up to find some git had stuck a tea bag in my mouth. I just hate it when someone makes a mug out of me


...............................................................................................................................................................................................

Dear Sir,

On behalf of Channel 4 Television,may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our reality show.
May I also thank you for the charming photograph of her enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected,
I would like to point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind Regards
Channel 4
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I've just joined a reggae band..... playing the triangle.

I just stand at the back and ting.

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Got the new Dyson Ball cleaner for Christmas...

I'm now sat here in A&E.

The name's a bit misleading.

............................................................................................................................................................................................

[DaiRees]

My mate's shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how do you tell them apart? He said easy, Sally's got massive tits and Brian has got a beard...

[lozz]

[lozz]

1.JPG

copied this off another forum,

[lozz]

why.jpg

[lozz]

..First flight from Bulgaria packed & ready for the UK...

bulgaria flight.jpg

[lozz]

cat-carrier.jpg

[lozz]

tippex.jpg

Tippex?

[lozz]

british gas.jpg

[Waxman]

lol

[dirtydirtydiesel]

[trem1]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.