My Chinese neighbour told me he had just opened a crows shop
I said,surely you mean a clothes shop
No he said,a crows shop
Come in and have a rook
........................................................................................................
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accepted cookies? Is that a trick question?
..........................................................
I found a spider in my shoes. He looked ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted …
I like to drink while I clean, that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
When people say “you look so familiar” responding with “were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.
The amount of people who confuse ‘to’ and ‘too’ is amazing two me.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up… So much for Extra Volume.
My friend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman… What a Joker…
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree.
Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by ‘spider on my shirt’. Up next we have ‘Oh heck, where did it go?’
Email jokes from my bro.
Moderator: Moderators
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Thank you all for making a bad Saturday morning better.
If it doesn't fit you need a bigger hammer
-
steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
- Location: Jastrebarsko, Croatia http://www.jastrebarsko.hr/lokacija/
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be damn well joking" cries St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It just took me three months to find a priest up here... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be damn well joking" cries St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It just took me three months to find a priest up here... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
These aint funny realy..but they is better than nowt...(As I lay there, bruised and broken, with the burning and twisted wreckage of my car surrounding me, the officer strolled up to me and, with a sarcastic tone, said
'been drinking, have we sir?' 'Yes', I winced through the pain.
'Well', he said, 'next time, take a taxi instead of letting your wife drive'
..............................................................................................................................................................................................
A bloke takes his Citroen 2 CV in for a service.
The garage phones and says "We are very sorry sir but we have a problem with the fan belt"
"Whats the problem?"
"It needs a new engine"
...........................................................................................................................................................................
My mate asked me if he could crash on my sofa, I had to explain to him that I was married now and it wouldn't be possible as that's where I sleep.
------------------------------------------------------------
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I let my girlfriend down today !
Well thats the only way she would fit back in the box.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................
Disney's new film called 'Jet Black' - The worlds first aboriginal version of 'Snow White', has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute.
All 7 Aboriginal dwarfs - Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Scrounger have walked off set after refusing sing the 'Hi Ho!' song.
All 7 are insisting that they have no Fu****ng intentions of singing '"It's off to work we go"
'been drinking, have we sir?' 'Yes', I winced through the pain.
'Well', he said, 'next time, take a taxi instead of letting your wife drive'
..............................................................................................................................................................................................
A bloke takes his Citroen 2 CV in for a service.
The garage phones and says "We are very sorry sir but we have a problem with the fan belt"
"Whats the problem?"
"It needs a new engine"
...........................................................................................................................................................................
My mate asked me if he could crash on my sofa, I had to explain to him that I was married now and it wouldn't be possible as that's where I sleep.
------------------------------------------------------------
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I let my girlfriend down today !
Well thats the only way she would fit back in the box.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................
Disney's new film called 'Jet Black' - The worlds first aboriginal version of 'Snow White', has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute.
All 7 Aboriginal dwarfs - Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Scrounger have walked off set after refusing sing the 'Hi Ho!' song.
All 7 are insisting that they have no Fu****ng intentions of singing '"It's off to work we go"
-
steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
- Location: Jastrebarsko, Croatia http://www.jastrebarsko.hr/lokacija/
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I have both David Thorne's books, they are very funny, but have to be read in small bursts as after a while the humour wares off and you find yourself just turning the pages
see http://www.27bslash6.com/
2002 HDi 2.2 GTX Estate de-fapped
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
benczuk wrote:I have both David Thorne's books, they are very funny, but have to be read in small bursts as after a while the humour wares off and you find yourself just turning the pages
see http://www.27bslash6.com/
thanks for the link,
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
............................................................................................................................
An insect just flew into my house and exploded, I think it was a jihaddy long legs.
.................................................................................................................................
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's
no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will
accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .
.................................................................................................................................................
Somebody complemented me on my driving skills today. They left a little note on my windscreen saying "Parking Fine" ...........Which was nice.
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
............................................................................................................................
An insect just flew into my house and exploded, I think it was a jihaddy long legs.
.................................................................................................................................
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's
no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will
accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .
.................................................................................................................................................
Somebody complemented me on my driving skills today. They left a little note on my windscreen saying "Parking Fine" ...........Which was nice.
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my Anti-Virus software wouldn't let me.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today.
Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend
..........................................................................................................................................................................
The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today.
Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
12 days of Christmas.... Jeremy Kyle style!!
12 cans of Stella,
11 D.N.A tests,
10 dads to choose from,
9 teeth between them,
8 squeezed in tracksuits,
7 stinking smackrats,
6 Dunlop trainers,
5 stolen rings...
4 f*t slags,
3 ugly slappers,
2 timing sl*gs...
And a Twat who parades them on TV !
12 cans of Stella,
11 D.N.A tests,
10 dads to choose from,
9 teeth between them,
8 squeezed in tracksuits,
7 stinking smackrats,
6 Dunlop trainers,
5 stolen rings...
4 f*t slags,
3 ugly slappers,
2 timing sl*gs...
And a Twat who parades them on TV !
-
Welly
- The moderator formally known as Welton
- Posts: 15033
- Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:52 pm
- Location: East Midlandfordshire
Re: Jokes Galore
Cringe-worthy jokes I'm afraid:
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
----------------------------------------
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
----------------------------------------
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Blow that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
-----------------------------------
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
--------------------------------------------------------
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
----------------------------------------------------
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the
wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
----------------------------------------
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
----------------------------------------
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Blow that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
-----------------------------------
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
--------------------------------------------------------
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
----------------------------------------------------
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the
wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Cars in my care:
2021 Kia Spottage 1.6 Pez Turbo Dual Clutch Gearbox Trickery
2013 Renner Twingo - donkey work
2021 Kia Spottage 1.6 Pez Turbo Dual Clutch Gearbox Trickery
2013 Renner Twingo - donkey work
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I likes 1 & 2 most of the rest be repeats. http://406oc.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=5&t= ... 60#p219060
Wales to East Midlandfordshire in just under a year
Speedy Internet.
Wales to East Midlandfordshire in just under a year
Speedy Internet.2002 HDi 2.2 GTX Estate de-fapped
-
Welly
- The moderator formally known as Welton
- Posts: 15033
- Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:52 pm
- Location: East Midlandfordshire
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Oh sh*t 
Cars in my care:
2021 Kia Spottage 1.6 Pez Turbo Dual Clutch Gearbox Trickery
2013 Renner Twingo - donkey work
2021 Kia Spottage 1.6 Pez Turbo Dual Clutch Gearbox Trickery
2013 Renner Twingo - donkey work