Email jokes from my bro.

[ianst28]

Inspirational quote for today..

"God created Orgasms so that women can moan at men even when they are happy"....

lmao thats my new facebook status

[ianst28]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[ianst28]

Idiots of 2008


Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008


A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don't believe you are over 21.”

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008


A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008


Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin)

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
Take the sign - Please!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay Alert!

They walk among us ... they Reproduce ... and they Vote!

[steve_earwig]

I'm sure there's some of these somewhere else. Ah well:





















































and there's more:


CD with anti-shock






Frankenstein?




Oops!








("Which prick gave me up?")

[Doggy]

A german friend sent me these.....


Parking FAIL?

[mjb]

Parking FAIL?

EPIC parking fail!

[steve_earwig]

Dropped in for a service?

[Doggy]

[Welly]

Is that engine oil do you reckon? splattered on the white wall.

[Doggy]

Is that engine oil do you reckon? splattered on the white wall.

Reckon it's debris from the bank it used as a launch ramp.
Now there's a thought.
Skoda were an armaments manufacturer prior to WW2, were they involved in the V1 programme?
Do all their products have this latent tendency?
Thank God we've got french Pugs, more likely to retreat.....

[DaiRees]

How fast much it have been going to launch it that high??

Thank God we've got french Pugs, more likely to retreat.....

Brilliant!

[teamster1975]

Thank God we've got french Pugs, more likely to retreat.....

Just be careful around Trafalgar Square!

[Welly]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching
a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong
man', and
closes the door.




The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truckload of
brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela, a man of great tolerance, is getting a little bit peeved by now, so he says firmly:
'Please go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want
them!' Then he
shuts the door in his face.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong
name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:






(Wait for it)





(Get your best Chinese accent ready)





'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[Welly]

And there's more...

The passengers on a jet watch in horror as the pilot and co-pilot enter the plane wearing dark glasses and carrying white sticks. The engines fire-up and the plane taxis down the runway. The passengers are very nervous but are thinking it was a practical joke, you can't have blind pilots. The plane accelerates at full throttle down the runway and heads for a fence at the end of the tarmac. The passengers react in horror - 'surely the pilots can see they are getting to the end of the runway? Why don't they take - off'? The passengers realise they're not going to make it and start screaming at which point the nose of the plane lifts up and the plane takes off missing the boundary fence by inches. In the cockpit the blind pilot turns to the blind co-pilot and says "you know one day they're going to scream to late and we're all going to die".

[ianst28]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under
The shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to
Drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who
Owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
Shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
Bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog
Wants to have sex!'

(Your gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted
A police dog.