Email jokes from my bro.

[ianst28]

The following are all replies that women have put on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I
can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and
see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he
is Christ risen again

[ianst28]

Itsh a well known fact that men shlurr their worddds when they have of shtrong drink partaken.............

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[ianst28]

Terrorists!

I await with interest to hear a politician in this country make such a statement!!

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.


His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'


'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[teamster1975]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO�MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ..
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[steve_earwig]

This one aint for the kiddies I reckon.

Easter Bunny Competition - See if you can spot the hidden Easter bunny?

































I suppose it goes with this one:

[teamster1975]

That'll be the uncut version of watership down then!

[steve_earwig]

Sign seen on butcher's shop:

Watership Down - you're read the book and seen the film, now eat the cast.

[teamster1975]

"Fiver for Bigwig"

[teamster1975]

Confucius Says:


The miniskirt is like the aeroplane, when miniskirt bend over you see cockpit.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like Bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in Pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright Organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on Toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[DaiRees]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!


I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with TWO friends?


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

[Doggy]

Apologies if you've seen this one before, but it made me chuckle.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[steve_earwig]

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472 Flying Scotsman

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'

[steve_earwig]

As pinched from Carpe TDM, it made me giggle anyway

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

[steve_earwig]

My bro just sent me this, I searched for it and it's doing the rounds via email.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST AD

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

I checked on Snopes and it's unconfirmed but there's two versions, so I guess it's probably bogus. Shame.

[teamster1975]

While I was driving down the A38 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:
"Runway too short?"
To which I replied: "I'm late for work."

To which he asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side-to-side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about six feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied: "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."




Speeding Ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points: 3
Court Costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.