Email jokes from my bro.

[FarmerPug]

fantastic.

[FarmerPug]

A man sees a job as the zoo keeper in the local paper, so he turns up at the zoo the next day and meets the owner, who says there is also someone else here. A stunning blonde woman. So the owner says the only fair way is to let each of you in with the lion to see how you deal with it. So man being the gentleman says ladies first, and the woman goes into the lion, and instantly it starts to rub against her, licking her feet, then knees and hands. The owner says to the man 'do you think you can do any better than that' the man replies 'get that f*cking lion out and well soon see'.

[Welly]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two
days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said
'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,
this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's
how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor
away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,
I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were
labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in
the kitchen!!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon.'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
Husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I
should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[lozz]

^

[steve_earwig]

This via my wife (the language teacher ):

The difference between "complete" and "finish".

People say there is no difference between "complete" and "finish" but there is! When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the "right one" catches you with "the wrong one", you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.

And that is your English lesson for the day.



She loved the chloroform joke btw

[steve_earwig]

A blast from the past:

Political Theory Understood...


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
Government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s' brains. And they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows...

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

[FarmerPug]

Im liking how your teaching me about the world through agricultural talk.

[highlander]

I went to a double-glazing showroom. Well, they told me it was a showroom, but I saw right through it.

Here are some jokes from comedian Tim Vine, who specializes in one-liners and puns:

"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"

"I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"

"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"

"So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "

"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'

"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'

"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'

"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "

"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."

"I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."

"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"

"I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."

"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"

"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"

"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

[lozz]

im in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over my mouth.

"Nurse"
i mumbles
"Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises my gown, holds my pe**s in one hand & my balls in the other,
she takes a close look & says
"There's nothing wrong with them Sir."
i pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly
"Thanks 4 that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully,"


"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

[FarmerPug]

a new french teacher comes to school, an absolute stunner, and all the lads love the sight of her.

during one class she noticed one boy staring at her, and she shoutes shaun, what are you looking at?
oh, er, your ankles miss
get out of this class you filthy bugger, and dont come back for a day

a few minuites later she sees another boy looking at her, shoutes james, what are you looking at?
your legs miss
OUT! and dont come back here for 2 days

after a while of walking around the class, she drops a pen and bends down to pick it up. She then sees one boy walking to the door of the class, and says gerry where are you going.
after what ive just seen miss, i dont think ill ever get back into this room.

[lozz]

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Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F*** Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm fcuki*g having that!"

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b*****d, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

[Doggy]

a new french teacher comes to school, an absolute stunner, and all the lads love the sight of her.

We had a stunner of a french teacher too once upon a time.....

en neuf-cent soixante six, je pense....

not that I remember any of it

[steve_earwig]

Some of my mates here have fond memories of the fit young English teacher they had at school, one of them even brought her in a big bunch of flowers. Er, this would be my wife

[lozz]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office who's job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £50 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £46, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.



A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[Doggy]

Is it true you can pick up your voicemail at the News of the World now?