i was chatting up a gypsy bird in the pub last night
when she asked if i,d like to go back to her place
and have a good time ! she wasnt f.cking kidding
i went on the waltzers,the dodgems, the ghost train, i even came home with a goldfish.
........................................................................................................
i love to pamper my wife after she has had a stressful day
i get the hot tap running,swirl around the foam and bubbles
and time everything right, so when she walks through the door
she can crack on with the dishes !
Email jokes from my bro.
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steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Nice 
Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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FarmerPug
- 2.0 HDI 110
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- Contact:
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
aunt bessies ha shes happy enough to make then for us.
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Ha ha.
check this dog out.
seen this on another forum so ihad to take a copy.
it was a sh*t Guard dog so the owner gave it a hair cut to make it look like a lion.
now then wheres me greyhound hiding
check this dog out.
seen this on another forum so ihad to take a copy.
it was a sh*t Guard dog so the owner gave it a hair cut to make it look like a lion.
now then wheres me greyhound hiding
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for
a job.
The manager asked, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered, 'Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in
Newcassel.'
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day
on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Geordie said, 'Just the one, Marra.'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the
sale for?'
'£124,237.64' replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed,
'£124,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish
hook, an' then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishin' and he said doon
the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat,
so we went doon te the boat department and I selt him that twin-
engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him doon te the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki an'
aal'.
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came
in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a speedboat and 4x4?'
'Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
lady friend and I said, 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might
as well ga fishin'.'
................................................................................................................................................................................................ . DALE FarM.
.
.
.
.......................................Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times.
They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflatable hammer. !!
a job.
The manager asked, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered, 'Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in
Newcassel.'
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day
on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Geordie said, 'Just the one, Marra.'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the
sale for?'
'£124,237.64' replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed,
'£124,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish
hook, an' then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishin' and he said doon
the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat,
so we went doon te the boat department and I selt him that twin-
engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him doon te the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki an'
aal'.
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came
in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a speedboat and 4x4?'
'Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
lady friend and I said, 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might
as well ga fishin'.'
................................................................................................................................................................................................ . DALE FarM.
.
.
........................................Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times.
They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflatable hammer. !!
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American
engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the Fu*king chicken!!!."
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American
engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the Fu*king chicken!!!."
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
no one got any jokes then 
heres some more,
while cooking today i got some herbs in my eye...
i,m now parsley sighted !..
...............................................................................................
paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didn,t know what it was, she said ring sting, paddy said how the f.ck will he know ?
...................................................................................................
just home from the world blind fold masturbation championships
ive no idea where i came....
................................................................................................
saw a film about beavers last night, best dam
film ive ever seen.
........................................................................................
i saw a beautiful woman by the lake the other day
there was a spark between us and she fell at my feet
as we lay there making love, i thought to myself........these
f.cking tazers are well worth the money....
heres some more,
while cooking today i got some herbs in my eye...
i,m now parsley sighted !..
...............................................................................................
paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didn,t know what it was, she said ring sting, paddy said how the f.ck will he know ?
...................................................................................................
just home from the world blind fold masturbation championships
ive no idea where i came....
................................................................................................
saw a film about beavers last night, best dam
film ive ever seen.
........................................................................................
i saw a beautiful woman by the lake the other day
there was a spark between us and she fell at my feet
as we lay there making love, i thought to myself........these
f.cking tazers are well worth the money....
-
steve_earwig
- Moderator
- Posts: 19813
- Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:09 pm
- Location: Jastrebarsko, Croatia http://www.jastrebarsko.hr/lokacija/
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Nice Cheers for those - I needed cheering up...
Cheers for those - I needed cheering up...Unskilled meddling sin©e 2007
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Re: Email jokes from my bro.
ah well, seeing its nearly christmas id better crack on with some Baking, 
anyone like Baking.
this a gooden you can print it off if you like,
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anyone like Baking.
this a gooden you can print it off if you like,
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
I just got some of that 007 viagra
apparently it makes you roger more
...............................................................................................
the police came to my door last night holding a picture
of my wife, they said is this your wife sir ? shocked i answered
yes, they said im afraid it looks like she,s been hit by a bus,..i said i know but shes good with the kids...
............................................................................................
teacher says to paddy, the essay you wrote about
your dog is word for word the same as your brothers ? of course
it is said paddy, its the same f.cking dog .
................................................................................................
apparently it makes you roger more
...............................................................................................
the police came to my door last night holding a picture
of my wife, they said is this your wife sir ? shocked i answered
yes, they said im afraid it looks like she,s been hit by a bus,..i said i know but shes good with the kids...
............................................................................................
teacher says to paddy, the essay you wrote about
your dog is word for word the same as your brothers ? of course
it is said paddy, its the same f.cking dog .
................................................................................................
-
FarmerPug
- 2.0 HDI 110
- Posts: 9656
- Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 5:42 pm
- Location: The Countryside, Northern Ireland
- Contact:
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
i was talking about m and s tyres and gave the link for the m and s advert but here is a funny version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK5dn0Qn ... re=related
how about a skoda joke for old times sake:
Why is a skoda and a baby similar?
They both never go anywhere without a rattle
What do you call a Skoda with a really long radio aerial?
A bumper car
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK5dn0Qn ... re=related
how about a skoda joke for old times sake:
Why is a skoda and a baby similar?
They both never go anywhere without a rattle
What do you call a Skoda with a really long radio aerial?
A bumper car
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
reports in the press this week that have stated that george michael has been suffering from pneumonia have been dismissed by his management team this morning,,his agent has now said he is suffering from bird flu having kissed a cockatoo !!!!
.........................................................................................................................................
A young kid knocks at kenny dalglish,s house and starts singing away in a manger, kenny opened the door and told the kid to "f*ck off, dae ye no think ive wasted enough on carols this year"
.........................................................................................................................................................
One of the 7 dwarfs was arrested today for sha
ing a girrafe at his local zoo, police are hunting the other 6 dwarfs who put him up to it !!!
......................................................................................................................................................
.........................................................................................................................................
A young kid knocks at kenny dalglish,s house and starts singing away in a manger, kenny opened the door and told the kid to "f*ck off, dae ye no think ive wasted enough on carols this year"
.........................................................................................................................................................
One of the 7 dwarfs was arrested today for sha
ing a girrafe at his local zoo, police are hunting the other 6 dwarfs who put him up to it !!!......................................................................................................................................................
Re: Email jokes from my bro.
Politically Correct,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obviously it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obviously it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."