Email jokes from my bro.

[steve_earwig]

Extract From The Latest Mills and Boon Novel.

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.


Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.

I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my ear then whispered, 'Baaaa...'
and rejoined the flock.


This book is only for sale, at the moment, in New Zealand, Australia, Wales and certain parts of Lancashire

[robb]

Extract From The Latest Mills and Boon Novel.



This book is only for sale, at the moment, in New Zealand, Australia, Wales and certain parts of Lancashire

Which part of Lancashire can I get the book went to w h smith in Rochdale and they never had it

[steve_earwig]

My (half German) mate just sent me this:


Which was nice...

[lozz]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

[lozz]

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

[lozz]

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

---

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

[lozz]

classified ads

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[scotty73]

I was driving past a field today when i saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank!?!?!
I thought to myself......'that poor bastard's just clutching at straws'.

[sirwiggum]

Why did the cow put on a cardigan?

It was fresian.

Why did the cow put on a jumper?

It was a jersey.

[lozz]

...Trafic wardens funeral,

as the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral,a voice from inside screams im not dead im not dead,let me out.the vicar smiles leans forward and mutters too feckin late pal the paperworks already done.


...................................................................................................................................................

.....Welsh Tour.,.....................
An Irish couple were touring around Wales . At

Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygy they stopped

for lunch and asked the waitress "Before we order could you

please settle an argument for us and pronounce where we

are......very slowly" The waitress leaned over and

said "burrr....gurrrr....king"

[lozz]

Q: What do you call a Nun in a Wheel chair?


A: virgin Mobile.



il get my coat

[lozz]

Paddy is at the disco dancin' with a bird, he leans over to her and says,
"is there any chance of a f**k"?

She replies, "i'm on my menstrual cycle".

"Great" says Paddy, "i've got my scooter outside, i'll follow you home".

[lozz]

Making a baby.
>
>
> There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
>
>
>
>
>
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
> use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day
> the proxy
> father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and
> said,
> 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here
> soon.'
>
>
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
> photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make
> a sale.
> 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've
> come to...'
>
>
>
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,
> embarrassed, 'I've
> been expecting you.'
>
>
>
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer.
> 'Well, that's good.
> Did you know babies are my specialty?'
>
>
>
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
> Please come in
> and have a seat !.
>
>
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we
> start?'
>
>
>
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
> bathtub, one
> on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And
> sometimes the
> living room floor is fun. You can really spread out
> there.'
>
>
>
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
> work out for
> Harry and me!'
>
>
>
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
> every time.
> But if we try several different positions and I shoot from
> six or
> seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
> results.'
>
>
>
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>
>
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
> time. I'd love
> to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure
> you'd be
> disappointed with that.'
>
>
>
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>
>
> The photographer opened his
> briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
> 'This
> was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
>
>
> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
> throat.
>
>
>
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
> you consider their mother was so difficult to work
> with.'
>
>
>
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
>
>
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take
> her to the park to get the job done right. People were
> crowding
> around four and five deep to get a good look'
>
>
>
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
> wide
> with amazement.
>
>
>
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more
> than
> three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
> yelling
> - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
> I had to
> rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling
> on my
> equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
>
>
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually
> chewed on your, uh...equipment? '
>
>
>
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're
> ready, I'll
> set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
>
>
>
> 'Tripod?'
>
>
>
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to
> rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the
> hand very
> long.'
>
> Mrs.Smithfainted

[lozz]

Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine Love Your Son.

[Doggy]