joke

[scotty73]

A social worker visited a nursing home and asked an old lady.
Have you been bed ridden since you been in here?
She replied.
Couple of times but i prefer it from behind over my walking frame.

[lozz]

A social worker visited a nursing home and asked an old lady.
Have you been bed ridden since you been in here?
She replied.
Couple of times but i prefer it from behind over my walking frame.

[Doggy]

AUTOMATIC WIPING ACTIVE

[steve_earwig]

A social worker visited a nursing home and asked an old lady.
Have you been bed ridden since you been in here?
She replied.
Couple of times but i prefer it from behind over my walking frame.

Nice

Reminds me of that old one - two old ladies sitting on a bench when a streaker ran past. One had a stoke but the other couldn't reach

[lozz]

A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it coveredagain with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I wentto our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web

[scotty73]

A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it coveredagain with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I wentto our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web

Cheesy joke time is it? ok heres another.

Bought a stock car to race. It was all going well until it rained and I was left in a puddle of gravy......

[highlander]

Lozz's real identity is none other than Tim Vine

[lozz]

whos tim vine ?

[highlander]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine

He is a stand-up comic whose "thing" is telling corny one-liners. Literally, he will go on-stage and come out with them, one after another. There's no connection between them, he has no actual routine per-se.

He even held the Guinness World Record for "Most Jokes Told in an Hour" from 2004, when he told 499 jokes.

Examples of his jokes:

"Exit signs? They're on the way out!"

"Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!"

"Velcro? What a rip-off!"

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

"Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?"

"I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"

"Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes"

"So I said to a Scotsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ach nae'"

"Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'"

[lozz]

as on topic of scottish humur, ilike reading some of Rabi burns stuff, a good poet/comedian,

[lozz]

edit, Deleted,

abit ott that one,

[lozz]

We blokes are so good to you women!!!


My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.


Being the nice guy I am, I thought


"Bugger it, I'll treat her, she deserves it"








So we walked past it again!

[lozz]

a mate just called me in tears,
his wife has left him, taken his
prized bob marley collection
and the satellite dish ,
poor b*stard,
no woman no sky....

..............................................................................................................................................................................

Asda Theif,


A man walks out of ASDA with 5lb of prime beef under his arm without paying. Security Guard stops him and asks "What you doing with that?"

Guy says ...... Mash, peas, carrots and Gravy, why?



il get my coat,

[lozz]

Neighbours,


'With the love'ly sunny weather we've had lately means I've been in the back garden, sunbathing, but the neighbours have been complaining that I only had boxer shorts on,


I can't see what the F,,,ing problem is------they make a lovely sun-hat

[scotty73]

My mate paddy has been panic buying diesel.

So far he has 4 pairs of jeans, 8 shirts and 6 bottles of aftershave....