Email jokes from my bro.

[lozz]

My dogs are quiet,
sometimes iforget they are there,
they curl up and sleep all day..

theyre only active around 2am they have there mad half hour comeback in have there cup of tea cornflakes and toast, then sleep all day,

[lozz]

......... Ransom.................................


walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall. 'We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want 500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call.'

They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.

[lozz]

Dancing.


Went to the dancing with the wife on our 30th anniversary,I saw this old idiot break dancing and throwing his arms all over the place,the wife said,see him dancing,30years ago he asked me to marry him,but I said no,I replied ,it looks like he is still celebrating,


Starting school,

My son is starting school soon and is scared the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said ' don't be silly someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?'


Drunk,

A drunk goes into the chinese take away and asks for a chicken fried rice, the chinese chap serving says watchawa , the drunk says a chicken fried rice. The chinese chap says watchawa, the drunk says a chicken fried rice pal, the chinese chap says watchawa, by this time the drunk is getting a a bit annoyed A CHICKEN FRIED RICE please. The chinese fella says WATCHAWA, by this time the drunk is getting really peeded aff , A FECKIN CHICKEN FRIED RICE PLEASE. The Chinese fella replies WATCHAWA, FECKIN WET PAINT....

[DaiRees]

Here's a topical one for you....

The Higgs Boson particle walks into a church.
The Priest says "You're trying to disprove religion so you're not welcome in the house of God".
Higgs Boson says "Yeah but without me, you can't have mass!"

[sirwiggum]

Dr Watson asks Sherlock what type of particle is the Higgs Boson?

'Elementary, dear Watson'

--

The Higgs Boson walks into Dixons who are giving away new Dysons to elementary particles. It refuses a cleaner stating that it has a non-zero vacuum expectation value.

--

A man walks into a model shop complaining that his 1958 Vanguard saloon model is incomplete and looking for a higgs boson particle.

The shopkeep explains that he doesn't keep higgs boson particles, and the man says that he needs it to complete his "Standard Model"

--

[sirwiggum]

The contents of the medicine cupboard were at the pub having a drink. The cough bottle was the biggest there and was strutting about, when all of a sudden a small tub of vicks vaporub walks in. The cough bottle hides as the vicks orders a drink, downs it, throws a table over, then storms out.
"Whats wrong?" The barman asks "You're the biggest bottle in here and you're hiding like a caplet!"
"Aye" the cough bottle replies "I'm big but the vaporub, he's menthol!"

[lozz]

Thirsty.

A fleeing Taliban, desparate for water, was plodding along through the Afghan desert when he saw something off in the distance.

Hoping to find water he hurried towards the object only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but, would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water. I should kill you. But, I must find water first."

"OK, said the Jewish man, "it does not matter that you don't want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I'm bigger than that".

"If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom".

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your fxxxxxg brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[lozz]

A Romantic Dinner.

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't, he just
walked in the door."
....................................................................................................................................................................................

I took a girl back to my place last night.

After having sex I looked at her and said, "Fancy another one?"

"Yeah, go on then," she smiled.

"In you come, Dave!" I shouted.
..........................................................................................................................................................................................

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate paul. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't f**king believe you!" he shouted.

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "paul, isn't this my fourth can?"
...........................................................................................................................................................................................

Border Collie for sale. Come, Buy.
............................................................................................................................................................................................

[sirwiggum]

Tried to phone the Dalai Lama, only this long necked goat answered.

Turns out I'd phoned the wrong number and got through to Dial a Llama.

---

Lot of ladies who had got fertility treatment ended up with no or late pregnancies.

Turns out the sperm bank was run by RBS.

[sirwiggum]

Convert your iPhone into an iPod Touch by simply inserting an O2 sim card.

[lozz]

john and jim,


Siamese twins walk into a bar in Montreal, Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please."



The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"



"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.



"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."



John says, "Nah, we don't like that British ****. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people - they're so arrogant and rude."



"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.



"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[lozz]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

[FarmerPug]

Convert your iPhone into an iPod Touch by simply inserting an O2 sim card.

its been an iPod touch the past fecking 3 days.
------------

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to f*ck off."

[sirwiggum]

Been with the other half for years now.

She sat down and said, I want a serious chat about the future.

I said 'Ok' and she looked pleased.
'I can't wait til we have robots and that'

----

Teacher asks the class what does 'contagious' mean?

Little Johnny puts his hand up but teacher knows what he's like.

She asks little Partario, and he replies 'My sister had measles and it was contagious'

'Very good' replied the teacher.

Little Johnny insists he be asked next. 'The neighbour was painting the fence and my dad said it'll take that contagious'

[steve_earwig]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens..

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days".