Email jokes from my bro.

[lozz]

kid playing with trainset:



A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you ba**rds who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you ba**ds who are getting on, get you're a*ss in the train cause we're going down the tracks."
The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said "we don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

[lozz]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr p1sss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
.............................................................................................................................................................................................
borrowed that off Another forum,

[lozz]

My missus left me last week,she went for some milk and never came home.
my mate asked how im coping so i said i will manage,,,,,
ive got some powderded milk




The supermarket (18!)





















A BLOKE NOTICES A TASTY BIRD GIVING HIM THE EYE IN THE SUPERMARKET.DO I KNOW YOU HE ASKS.WELL I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS.HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAID WERE YOU THE HOOKER I HAD OVER A POOL TABLE AT MY STAG DO,WHILE YOUR MATE SPANKED ME WITH SOGGY PAIR OF KNICKERS YOU WERE SHOVING THAT HUGE CUCUMBER UP MY ASS.SHE STARES AT HIM AT AND REPLIED NO, THINK OF THE PARENTS TEACHER MEETING LAST WEEK I AM YOUR DAUGHTERS NEW TEACHER.






Snow white,

how do you expect kids to listen to their parents ?
cinderella stays out till midnight,
pinocchio does nothing but lie,
aladdin is the prince of thieves,
batman drives at 320mph,
sleeping beauty is nothing but a lazy b.stard, and
snow white lives with 7 men, the slut....

[lozz]

Hangover Ratings

1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

[lozz]

GIVE A DOG A BONE! (18)!




So....

There you are,
having a
dinner party.....


Your parents
are there,
Your in-laws
are there,

Your boss and
his wife
are there,

The local Vicar and
his wife
are there,

You're all
settling down
for a
nice relaxing
evening dinner,

Then

in

walks

the

Dog
.........
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<

[lozz]

nightclub.jpg

[lozz]

no one got any jokes then..

ah well, iwill post some more,



.............................................................................................................................................................................................curry.
was having an indian meal the other
night and the waiter came up to me
and said "curry okay ?" i said, oh go on
then just one song then f.ck off.
...................................................................................................................................................................................
Sex change,


my sex change from male to female went really well yesterday

so well im still tryin to reverse out of the hospital carpark .

..........................................................................................................................................................................................


Milking machine,


the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his pe**s into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his pe**s. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons

........................................................................................................................................................................................



Test.


alzheimers test , how fast can you guess these words ?
1 . f--k
2 . pu-s-
3 . s-x
4 .p-n-s
5 . boo-s
6 . --ndom

answers:
























1 .fork
2 .pulse
3 .six
4 .pants
5 .books
6 .random

u got all 6 wrong didnt you

...........................................................................................................................................................................................

blind man,


A blind man went for a job in a wood yard, saying
he could identify any wood by its smell, they tested
him on several different types and he guessed right
everytime, to try and catch him out the secretary stripped
her clothes off and lay naked on the floor with her legs wide open. he sniffed and said he wasnt sure, so he asked for the wood to be turned over, he sniffed again and said:

ye canny fool me, its an auld shitehouse door aff a fishing boat..




.............................................................................................................................................................................................

Bragging about kids,

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Admin and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday..'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of it's assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said, 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday..... 30,000 sq foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’


Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received
from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language
will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING"
phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could do with more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking power-crazy b*tch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late..
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck off a*se-wipe.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: Not my f*cking problem, mate.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking chance mate.

10) TRY SAYING: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Oi, f*ck face.

13) TRY SAYING: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
INSTEAD OF: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[steve_earwig]

nice!

Nobody posts any jokes on the Toyota forum, I guess the cars are enough of a joke on their own

[lozz]

nice!

Nobody posts any jokes on the Toyota forum, I guess the cars are enough of a joke on their own

idunno mate, ive never had a problem with Toyota, Reliabilty wise icarnt knock them
especialy on there none interference engines,

[Doggy]

This is a normal by product of their poka yoke analyses - they have eliminated the potential problem of unintended piston / valve contact,
( = success, all smile & bow politley)

.......at the expense of moving the vehicle effectively along the f**king road,
( = irrelevant, all smile & bow politley)

[steve_earwig]

I have noticed some Toyotas are still high up on the reliability tables, although not as many as there used to be and the RAV doesn't feature anywhere.

The thing about the diesels seems to be from their introduction in March 2006, the 2.2s started using a good deal of oil which prompted a redesign of pistons & rings in the August. Toyota decided it would be smart to rebuild all affected engines as they appeared. This turned out to be a non runner as it tied up skilled mechanics for uneconomical periods, so then they started replacing engines with either reconditioned or new units. Then it appeared the piston & rings mod didn't eliminate the problem entirely (hence some cars being on their 3rd or even 4th engine) so in May 2008 they again redesigned the rings.

I got all this off the forum but I had to chop it down rather a lot

It was also pointed out that Honda CRVs are having a very similar problem with their engines but Honda don't seem to be interested in doing anything about it Maybe because their reputation hasn't taken such a knock in recent years...

[lozz]

Itempted to get another Toyota,
been looking at A few Celica's (Gen-7) but they Rekon theres Flaws .. with the bolts that hold the Cam shafts down (Refered to a lift bolts on the Net)



http://www.newcelica.org/forums/showthread.php?t=314525

[steve_earwig]

Oh, that engine looks kind of familiar

[FarmerPug]

A good guide there, youd never open up a HDi engine to see it so clean on the inside.

On the topic of toyota, what do you think of the GT86, its good to see some company making a proper RWD coupe again.

[Nightshade]

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Yours sincerely,




Charles Brown
Store Manager