more funny e-mails

[ianst28]

One Friday, in the late afternoon, a guy took his stunning young lady into a very upmarket jewellers and insisted on seeing the most expensive rings in the place.

The girl's eyes popped at a particularly fine solitaire diamond of about 5 carats.

How much? Asked the young guy.

That one is £60,000 was the reply.

Fine! I'll take it.

How would you like to pay, sir?

I'll write you a cheque says our friend.

The young lady is near-orgasmic with delight and anticipation.

That's fine says the salesman, but I will have to hold the ring until the cheque clears on Monday. That's no problem the young couple agreed.

Comes Monday morning, and our young friend walks into the jewellery store.

How dare you show your face in here says the salesman - your cheque bounced.

I know, and I apologise says our friend, with a huge grin - but what a weekend!!!!!!!!!!





Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees It filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three Tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

"First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

"Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"




A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of wee Billy Finlay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Wee Billy had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Wee Billy was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?

Wee Billy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. 'First', Wee Billy said, 'Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. 'Second', he said, 'Ye cannae never tell naebdy aboot this.' The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. 'Third', Billy said, 'I want any weans raised as Rangers fans.' Once again it was agreed.

4. 'And last of all', Wee Billy stated, 'You'll need to gie me another week to come up with the £500'

[ianst28]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with, uh, you know, favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under norma conditions," the priest replied. "If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a relief," the man said. He then added, "I have one more question."

"What is it, my son?" the priest asked.

The man answered, "She is pretty old now. Should I tell her the war is over?"




BEST OUT OF OFFICE REPLIES
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. ( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Sharon" instead of "Steve".

[teamster1975]

Very good Ian!

[Welly]

2 guys looking lost at the airport bump into each other,

"What's up my friend?" one says to the other,

"I've lost my wife in here somewhere" he says,

"I've lost my wife too!" says the other,

"let's look for them together shall we, what does your wife look like?"

"Well she's 6 foot tall, blond, slim, long legs, big boobs, short skirt and a tight T shirt - So what's yours look like?"

"f*ck her - let's look for yours."

[teamster1975]

We've all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions. Medically speaking, there is no
difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[steve_earwig]

nice!

[TooT]

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me with no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge hooters,
Who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[ianst28]

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[teamster1975]

[TooT]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: S * it ....