Got a lift to EuroCarParts at lunchtime, picked up the cylinder. The old one had issues with the idea of coming off the gearbox, but a 2' breaker bar to push it in and a hefty pair of mole-grips to turn it and it snapped out. The push rod had very little movement and was coming out at a funny angle
New one in, try to bleed... nothing
So I try to use my nut. Ignored what the Haynes Book of Lies said and went to look for the master cylinder behind the engine. Oh look, it's nowhere near the bottom where the haynes says it is!

So I look at the low pressure tube coming off it and followed it to the brake fluid reservoir. The SIDE of the brake fluid reservoir!
Since I was doing this at the side of the road with the n/s against the kerb, the bloody clutch wasn't able to to take in any fluid. So I jacked the n/s right up (about 4" higher than the scissor jack - didn't want to go higher since the road surface is awful and the handle end of the jack was several inches off the ground), I let the o/s tyre down so it was flat as a pancake and with the reservoir brimmed (and flicked to knock out some air) I put fluid into the clutch. One stoke of the clutch at a time between reservoir fills.
It's not right as there's a lot of air still in it, but my god it's SO much better than it was

The vibration's gone, acceleration is a lot sharper (guessing the slipping's gone!) and there's actually some FEEL to it so I don't need to spend 10 seconds finding the bite point before setting off at the lights
So I went to work, parked under a lamp in the car park and bled the front brakes. They're not sharp by any stretch of the imagination, but they are now powerful with lots of feel. It's more progressive and the bite position is lower than it was on the old fluid, so I can toe-and-heel again!
It's all coming together! just the noise and the missing cylinder(s) to deal with now
So in summary when changing the brake fluid on a D9 with hydraulic clutch:
1. Bleed the brakes FIRST. 60 full strokes of the brake pedal fills a 500ml bottle of diet coke.
2. Bleed the clutch LAST
3. NEVER EVER do it with the nearside lower than the offside. The ideal situation is to have the nearside front the highest corner of the car
TODO: bleed the rears, re-bleed the clutch, identify noise, identify missing cylinder(s) and cause
I've got an OBD interface on the way to assist with the latter. Hoping the ECU can tell me which pot(s) ain't firing. With luck it'll be just oil in the plug holes or the rear bank 'fake' coil pack (£70), but I'm going to be pessimistic and guess that it'll be the coil pack (£260ish). Chances are I'll probably end up getting a set of plugs while I'm at it, just to finish off MartinV6's service (thank god he did the hard part!!!)
<steve_earwig> I think this forum is more about keeping our cars going with minimal outlay than giving our cars more reason to go bang